Abstract
In this article, the author discusses the significance of friendship in caring for and counseling with young men. Following Seward Hiltner, he affirms the distinction between friendliness (or friendly disposition) and friendship. Insofar as friendliness implies warmth and genuine concern, caregiving and counseling relationships can benefit from the minister’s friendly disposition. The author argues that ministers can effectively counsel with young Mexican men who are both their parishioners and their friends. To illustrate this point, he presents and discusses the case of a Mexican minister (Pastor Garza) and a young Mexican man (Alonso). By reflecting on the friendship motif in the Gospel of John, he concludes the article with the idea that friendship and counseling can coexist despite the power differential and imperfect mutuality between the minister and the care seeker.
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Notes
In Love Undetectable: Notes on Friendship, Sex, and Survival, Sullivan (1998) points out that for the Greeks “friendship was a somewhat promiscuous thing.” He explains, for example, that in Aristotle’s Books Eight and Nine of the Nicomachean Ethics, the word philia “covers a multitude of connections.” According to Sullivan, “In Aristotle’s hermetically sane universe, the instinct of human connection is so common and so self-evidently good that there is little compunction to rule certain relationships out of the arc of human friendliness” (pp. 186–187).
Jeremías has granted me permission to tell this portion of his life story and to use his actual given name.
Rubem Alves, who was born in a conservative Presbyterian family in Brazil, completed his doctorate in theology at Princeton Theological Seminary in 1968 under the advisement of Richard Shaull. In the acknowledgments of his dissertation, Alves (1968) refers to Shaull as “a close friend for more than fifteen years.” Cervantes-Ortiz (2016) explains that with his dissertation Alves established himself as one of the founders of liberation theology, and, in some respects, he anticipated the future works of Gustavo Gutiérrez and Hugo Assmann (p. 9).
The names in this story (Alonso, Pastor Garza, Erika, Vanessa) are pseudonyms. I have also disguised the case by altering a few demographic descriptors, by adding “extraneous material,” and by excluding certain information, such as Alonso’s profession. For a discussion of these three disguise strategies, see Sperry and Pies (2010, pp. 93–95).
Carrie Doehring defines alterity as “an evocative term describing each person’s otherness: those aspects of an individual’s religious or spiritual world hidden by what seems similar or familiar to us.” She explains that “radical respect for alterity describes the quality of relationship that awaits the emergence of mystery” (Doehring 2015, pp. 2–3).
Lionel Andrés “Leo” Messi is an Argentine professional football player who plays as a forward for the Spanish club FC Barcelona.
See, for example, Glen O. Gabbard’s discussion of the case of Dr. A and Mr. B. Aware of her countertransference feelings for Mr. B., Dr. A. began a process of self-analysis that entailed consultation with a colleague. In this way, Dr. A was able to contain and process constructively her erotic countertransference. Gabbard (1994) explains, “Erotic countertransference becomes less mysterious and compelling when exposed to the light of the day and discussed as a matter of rational discourse between analyst and consultant” (p. 1100) .
Dykstra borrows the term “funny emotions” from literary critic Abelove (2003). According to Abelove, “emotions are funny when, on the one hand, they are associated with fun or pleasure, and when, on the other, they are likely to be made fun of—mocked, derided, trivialized, even stigmatized” (xii).
Evans explains that the Greek verb merimnān may mean “to be unduly concerned,” “to be anxious,” but its basic meaning is “to care” or “to be concerned about” (as in Philemon 2:20). As Evans (1990) puts it, “The question then at issue is when a proper concern has become an improper anxiety” (p. 526).
Kuecker (2011) explains that Luke 12:12 refers to the disciple’s “testimony before antagonistic judges,” but it can also be understood, more generally, as “the role of the Spirit in the cultivation of appropriate witness” (p. 212).
The phrase tejer al compás de la vida (weave at the compass of life) is difficult to translate. Women (and perhaps a few men) in Mexico and other Latin American countries used to gather to knit or weave while listening to a phonograph. In a sense, the rhythm of the music determined the rhythm of the weaving. The idea of knitting or weaving at the compass of life may be a reference to this practice.
Although Sullivan (1998) does not suggest that only gay men can be friends, he explains that “the trajectory of a homosexual life often places, in a way unique to itself, a focus on friendship that many heterosexuals, to their great loss, never quite attain” (p. 230). I suggest that, by virtue of their vocation, ministers may be in a unique position to foster friendships with and among their male parishioners. By doing so, ministers can enrich the spiritual and emotional life of men, especially those heterosexual men who may be secretly longing for significant male friendships. As Sullivan points out, “The fear of male intimacy, which is intrinsically connected to the fear of homosexuality, has too often denied straight men the bonds they need to sustain themselves through life’s difficulties” (p. 234).
According to Sullivan (1998), Aristotle believed that two unequal partners could be friends as long as each of them recognized “the unequal nature of their relative positions” (p. 245). Aristotle (1980) pointed out, however, that when there is a great distance between parties, friendship is no longer viable: “when one party is removed to a great distance, as God is, the possibility of friendship ceases” (p. 204).
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Arjona, R. You Are My Friends: Pastoral Care with Young Mexican Men. Pastoral Psychol 67, 589–610 (2018). https://doi.org/10.1007/s11089-018-0823-3
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DOI: https://doi.org/10.1007/s11089-018-0823-3