Conflict and Offense to Self

Abstract

In addition to having a positive view of oneself (personal self-esteem), being valued by significant others (social self-esteem) is a central human concern that corresponds to the need to belong. Violating the need to belong, encountering relational devaluation by being derogated, excluded, attacked, etc. implies a threat to self. This chapter argues that offense to self through relational devaluation constitutes a major element of many conflicts, and this offense goes beyond the individual and includes social identities. Triggers of relational devaluation are mainly investigated in research on aggression (in a broad sense, i.e., including incivility). Relational devaluation typically induces anger, which, in turn, induces a desire for retaliation. Targets of anger and retaliation, again, often go beyond individuals and include their social groups. To the extent that retaliation is enacted, spirals of mutual relational devaluation can develop. Escalation processes are characterized by such aspects as polarization, conflict enlargement, shifting goals, and increasingly automated appraisals. Issues of self-defense become progressively dominant as compared to substantive issues, and communication increasingly contains “added messages” of devaluation. More and more, conciliatory behavior entails the risk of losing face. Conflict management therefore should focus on core issues and avoid added messages, employ a flexible repertoire of behaviors regarding styles of conflict management, and aim at cycles of tension and tension release to mitigate offense to self. The chapter ends with a consideration of circumstances in which potentially offending others may be unavoidable and with emphasizing the role of a culture of respect for adequate conflict management.

I am indebted to John M. Levine for his helpful comments on an earlier version of this chapter.