Skip to main content
SpringerLink
Log in
Book cover

Divorce, Families and Emotion Work pp 53–80Cite as

Palgrave Macmillan

Understanding Families and Personal Relationships

  • Chapter
  • First Online:

  • 831 Accesses

Part of the book series: Palgrave Macmillan Studies in Family and Intimate Life ((PSFL))

Abstract

Sally’s words characterise common frustrations among divorcees about their personal circumstances and individual, difficult experiences in a relationship being reduced to divorce statistics. A focus on increasing divorce rates pervades a range of writing about the family within the media, politics and policy reports. Increasing divorce rates are also used to formulate broad, generalised theoretical statements that suggest change and decline in, or deinstitutionalisation of, marriage and the family. However, Sally had an alternative version of what was going on in her personal life. For her the importance of her divorce, and the reason she pursued it, lies in the quality of the marriage and family life, which was distressed. Sally had to weigh up the costs of staying in the marriage and ‘pretending everything was okay’ even though it was personally destructive. Considering her options, she negotiated the difficulties of her relationship as best she could: she lived ‘a lie’, ‘pretending everything was okay’; she ‘tried everything to stay in that marriage’ until finally she couldn’t take it anymore and reconsidered how best to manage the situation. Far from her being a demoralised individual, Sally spent considerable time and effort reasoning out the different ways she could balance her own interests with the needs of others; unlike perceptions about selfish mothers and wives, which she resisted, Sally had a clear set of rules about what her partner should not do and what her marriage should not be. Sally legitimises what she did in light of what others think she should have done. Her story shows a high regard for marriage. The tension Sally experienced initially, in considering the divorce, demonstrates the emotional demands of pro-marriage ideology and remaining in a distressed marriage. She legitimated her final decision on the basis of the quality of the marriage and the impact it had on her health.

This is a preview of subscription content, log in via an institution.

Chapter
USD   29.95
Price excludes VAT (USA)
  • Available as PDF
  • Read on any device
  • Instant download
  • Own it forever
eBook
USD   64.99
Price excludes VAT (USA)
  • Available as EPUB and PDF
  • Read on any device
  • Instant download
  • Own it forever
Hardcover Book
USD   84.99
Price excludes VAT (USA)
  • Durable hardcover edition
  • Dispatched in 3 to 5 business days
  • Free shipping worldwide - see info

Tax calculation will be finalised at checkout

Purchases are for personal use only

Learn about institutional subscriptions

Notes

  1. 1.

    I shall not use inverted commas every time I use this phrase but the reader should note that the absence of the inverted commas is for ease of reading and writing and bears no ideological significance.

  2. 2.

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1079510/Children-broken-homes-times-likely-suffer-mental-troubles-says-Government-study.html (accessed 5 January 2015).

  3. 3.

    http://www.cedu.niu.edu/~shernoff/djs/sarah_mccue/ (accessed 5 January 2015) http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-stupid-habits-you-develop-growing-up-in-broken-home/ (accessed 5 January 2015).

References

  • Allen, S., & Hawkins, A. (1999). Maternal gate keeping: Mothers’ beliefs and behaviours that inhibit greater father involvement in family work. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 61, 199–212.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Amato, P. R. (2001). Good enough marriages: Parental discord, divorce, and children’s long-term well-being. Virginia Journal of Social Policy & the Law, 9, 71–94.

    Google Scholar 

  • Amato, P., & Sobolewski, M. (2001). The effects of divorce and marital discord on adult children’s psychological well-being. American Sociological Review, 66, 900–921.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Ashbee, E. (2001). Marriage, the family and contemporary American politics. Parliamentary Affairs, 54(3), 509–525.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Backett, K. (1987). Mothers and fathers: A study of the development and negotiation of parental behaviour. London: Macmillan.

    Google Scholar 

  • Barbalet, J. M. (2001). Emotion, social theory and social structure: A macrosociological approach. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.

    Google Scholar 

  • Barbalet, J. (2002). Introduction: Why emotions are crucial. The Sociological Review, 50(S2), 1–10.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Beck, U., & Beck-Gernsheim, E. (1995). The normal chaos of love. Cambridge: Polity Press.

    Google Scholar 

  • Beck-Gernsheim, E. (2002). Reinventing the family: In search of new lifestyles. Cambridge: Polity Press.

    Google Scholar 

  • Becker, G. (1981). A treatise on the family. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.

    Google Scholar 

  • Bernardes, J. (1997). Family studies: An introduction. London: Routledge.

    Google Scholar 

  • Bittman, M. (2004). Parenting and employment: What time-use surveys show. In N. Folbre & M. Bittman (Eds.), Family time: The social organisation of care. London: Routledge.

    Google Scholar 

  • Blankenhorn, D., Bayme, S., & Elshatain, J. B. (Eds.). (1990). Rebuilding the nest: A new commitment to the American family. Milwaukee, WI: Family Service America.

    Google Scholar 

  • Booth, A., & Amato, P. (2001). Parental pre-divorce relations and offspring post-divorce well-being. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 65, 197–212.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Brannen, J., & Nilsen, A. (2005). Individualisation, choice and structure: A discussion of current trends in sociological analysis. The Sociological Review, 53(3), 412–428.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Burkitt, I. (2002). Complex emotions: Relations, feelings and images in emotional experience. The Sociological Review, 50(S2), 151–167.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Burkitt, I. (2014). Emotions and social relations. London: Sage.

    Book  Google Scholar 

  • Cherlin, A., Furstenburg, F., Chase-Lansdale, L., Kiernan, K., Robins, P., Morrison, D., et al. (1991). Longitudinal studies of effects of divorce on children in Great Britain and the United States. Science, 252, 1386–1389.

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Cohen, P. (2010). When is a relationship between facts a causal one? In B. Risman (Ed.), Families as they really are (pp. 15–20). New York: W.W. Norton.

    Google Scholar 

  • Cooke, L. P., Erola, J., Evertsson, M., Gähler, M., Härkönen, J., Hewitt, B., et al. (2013). Labor and love: Wives’ employment and divorce risk in its socio-political context. Social Politics: International Studies in Gender, State & Society, 20(4), 482–509.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Coontz, S. (2007). The origins of modern divorce. Family Process, 46(1), 7–16.

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Crittenden, A. (2010). The price of motherhood: Why the most important job in the world is still the least valued. New York: Picador.

    Google Scholar 

  • Crow, G. (2002). Families, moralities, rationalities and social change. In A. Carling, S. Duncan, & R. Edwards (Eds.), Analysing families (pp. 286–296). London: Routledge.

    Google Scholar 

  • Denzin, N. (2009). On understanding emotion. New Brunswick: Transaction Publishers.

    Google Scholar 

  • Dermott, E. (2008). Intimate fatherhood – A sociological analysis. London: Routledge.

    Google Scholar 

  • Doucet, A. (2006). Do men mother? Fathering, care, and domestic responsibility. Toronto: University of Toronto Press.

    Google Scholar 

  • Douglas, S. J., & Meredith, W. M. (2004). The mommy myth: The idealisation of motherhood and how it has undermined women. New York: Free Press.

    Google Scholar 

  • Duncombe, J., & Marsden, D. (1993). Love and intimacy: The gender division of emotion and “emotion work”. Sociology, 27(2), 221–241.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Etzioni, A. (1993). The parenting deficit. London: Demos.

    Google Scholar 

  • Featherstone, B. (2009). Contemporary fathering: Theory, policy and practice. Bristol: Policy Press.

    Google Scholar 

  • Finch, J. (1989). Family obligations and social change. Oxford: Polity Press.

    Google Scholar 

  • Finch, J., & Mason, J. (1993). Negotiating family responsibilities. London: Routledge.

    Book  Google Scholar 

  • Gabb, J. (2008). Researching intimacy in families. Basingstoke: Palgrave Macmillan.

    Book  Google Scholar 

  • Giddens, A. (1992). The transformation of intimacy. Cambridge: Polity Press.

    Google Scholar 

  • Goldscheider, F., Bernhardt, E., & Lappegård, T. (2015). The gender revolution: A framework for understanding changing family and demographic behavior. Population and Development Review, 41(2), 207–239.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Gross, N. (2005). The detraditionalisation of intimacy reconsidered. Sociological Theory, 23(3), 286–311.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Hardesty, J. L., & Ganong, L. H. (2006). How women make custody decisions and manage co-parenting with abusive former husbands. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 23(4), 543–563.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Hays, S. (1998). The cultural contradictions of motherhood. New Haven, CT: Yale University Press.

    Google Scholar 

  • Hetherington, E., & Kelly, J. (2002). For better or for worse: Divorce reconsidered. New York: W.W. Norton.

    Google Scholar 

  • Hochschild, A. (1979). Emotion work, feeling rules and social structure. American Journal of Sociology, 85(3), 551–575.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Hochschild, A. (1983). The managed heart: Commercialisation of human feeling. Berkeley, CA: University of California Press.

    Google Scholar 

  • Hochschild, A. R. (2003). The commercialisation of intimate life: Notes from home and work (pp. 161–171). Los Angeles: University of California Press.

    Google Scholar 

  • Jackson, S. (1993). Even sociologists fall in love: An exploration in the sociology of emotions. Sociology, 27(2), 201–220.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Jamieson, L. (1998). Intimacy: Personal relationships in modern societies. Cambridge: Polity Press.

    Google Scholar 

  • Jamieson, L. (1999). Intimacy transformed? A critical look at the pure relationship. Sociology, 33(4), 77–494.

    Google Scholar 

  • Kelly, J., & Emery, R. (2003). Children’s adjustment following divorce: Risk and resilience perspectives. Family Relations, 52, 352–362.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Kemper, T. (1978). A social interaction theory of emotions. New York: Wiley.

    Google Scholar 

  • Kornrich, S., Brines, J., & Leupp, K. (2013). Egalitarianism, housework, and sexual frequency in marriage. American Sociological Review, 78(1), 26–50.

    Article  PubMed  PubMed Central  Google Scholar 

  • Lamb, M. (2007). Improving the quality of parent–child contact in separating families. In M. Maclean (Ed.), Parenting after partnering (pp. 11–28). Oxford: Hart Publishing.

    Google Scholar 

  • Lamb, M., & Lewis, C. (2005). The role of parent–child relationships in child development. In M. H. Bornstein & M. E. Lamb (Eds.), Developmental science: An advanced textbook (5th ed., pp. 429–468). Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.

    Google Scholar 

  • LaRossa, R. (1988). Fatherhood and social change. Family Relations, 37(4), 451–457.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Lewis, J. (2001a). The end of marriage? Individualism and intimate relations. Cheltenham: Edward Elgar.

    Google Scholar 

  • Lewis, J. (2002). Individualisation, assumptions about the existence of an adult worker model and the shift towards contractualism. In A. Carling, S. Duncan, & R. Edwards (Eds.), Analysing families: Morality and rationality in policy and practice. London: Routledge.

    Google Scholar 

  • Lupton, D. (1998). The emotional self: A sociocultural explanation. London: Sage.

    Google Scholar 

  • Lupton, D., & Barclay, L. (1997). Constructing fatherhood: Discourses and experiences. London: Sage.

    Google Scholar 

  • Mason, J. (2004). Personal narratives, relational selves: Residential histories in the living and telling. Sociological Review, 52(2), 162–179.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • McDonald, P., Bradley, L. M., & Guthrie, D. (2005). Good mothers, bad mothers: Exploring the relationship between attitudes towards nonmaternal childcare and mother’s labour force participation. Journal of Family Studies, 11(1), 62–82.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • McGinn, K. L., Castro, M. R., & Lingo, E. L. (2015, June). Mums the word! Cross-national effects of maternal employment on gender inequalities at work and at home. Harvard Business School Working Paper No. 15-094. (Revised July 2015).

    Google Scholar 

  • Moore, E. (2012b). Paternal banking and maternal gatekeeping: Gendered practices in post-divorce families. Journal of Family Issues, 33(6), 745–772.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Morgan, P. (1995). Farewell to the family? Public policy and family breakdown in Britain and the USA. London: Institute for Economic Affairs Health and Welfare Unit.

    Google Scholar 

  • Morgan, D. (1996). Family connections: An introduction to family studies. Cambridge: Polity Press.

    Google Scholar 

  • Morgan, P. (2000). Marriage lite: The rise of cohabitation and its consequences. London: Institute for Civil Society.

    Google Scholar 

  • Morgan, D. (2011). Conceptualising the personal. In V. May (Ed.), Sociology of personal life. Basingstoke: Palgrave Macmillan.

    Google Scholar 

  • Neale, B., & Smart, C. (2002). Caring earning and changing: Parenthood and employment after divorce. In A. Carling, S. Duncan, & R. Edwards (Eds.), Analysing families (pp. 183–198). London: Routledge.

    Google Scholar 

  • Olivas, D. W. (2004). Tennessee considers adopting the Louisiana Covenant Marriage Act: A law waiting to be ignored. Tennessee Law Review, 71, 769–791.

    Google Scholar 

  • Philip, G. (2013). Relationality and moral reasoning in accounts of fathering after separation or divorce: Care, gender and working at ‘fairness’. Families, Relationships and Societies, 2(3), 409–424.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Popenoe, D. (1993). American family decline, 1960–1990: A review and appraisal. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 55(3), 527–542.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Pryor, J., & Rogers, B. (2001). Children in changing families: Life after parental separation. Oxford: Blackwell.

    Google Scholar 

  • Ribbens McCarthy, J., Edwards, R., & Gillies, V. (2003). Making families: Moral tales of parenting and stepparenting. Durham: Sociology Press.

    Google Scholar 

  • Roseneil, S., & Budgeon, S. (2004). Cultures of intimacy and care beyond ‘the family’: Personal life and social change in the early 21st century. Current Sociology, 52(2), 135–159.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Rutter, V. (2010). The case for divorce. In B. Risman (Ed.), Families as they really are (pp. 159–170). New York: W.W. Norton.

    Google Scholar 

  • Sayer, A. (2005a). The moral significance of Class. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.

    Book  Google Scholar 

  • Sclater, S., & Piper, S. (1999). Undercurrents of divorce. Aldershot: Ashgate.

    Google Scholar 

  • Smart, C. (1999). The new parenthood: Fathers and mothers after divorce. In E. Silva & C. Smart (Eds.), The new family? London: Sage.

    Google Scholar 

  • Smart, C. (2007). Personal life. Cambridge: Polity Press.

    Google Scholar 

  • Smart, C., & Neale, B. (1999). Family fragments? Cambridge: Polity Press.

    Google Scholar 

  • Stacey, J. (1990). Brave new families: Stories of domestic upheavel in late twentieth century America. New York: Basic Books.

    Google Scholar 

  • Stacey, J. (1996). In the name of the family: Rethinking family values in the postmodern age. Boston: Beacon Press.

    Google Scholar 

  • Swigart, J. (1991). The myth of the perfect mother: Parenting without guilt. Chicago: Contemporary Books.

    Google Scholar 

  • Thomson, E., & Bernhardt, E. (2010). Education, values and cohabitation in Sweden. Marriage and Family Review, 46(1–2), 1–21.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Trinder, L. (2008). Maternal gate closing and gate opening in postdivorce families. Journal of Family Issues, 29(10), 1298–1324.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Wallerstein, J. S., & Kelly, J. (1980). Surviving the breakup: How children and parents cope with divorce. New York: Basic Books.

    Google Scholar 

  • Walzer, S., & Oles, T. P. (2003). Accounting for divorce: Gender and uncoupling narratives. Qualitative Sociology, 26(3), 331–349.

    Google Scholar 

  • Warner, J. (2005). Perfect madness: Motherhood in the age of anxiety. New York: Riverhead Books.

    Google Scholar 

  • Williams, F. (2004). Rethinking families. London: Calouste Gulbenkian Foundation.

    Google Scholar 

Download references

Author information

Authors and Affiliations

  1. South Africa, University of Cape Town, Cape Town, South Africa

    Elena Moore

Authors
  1. Elena Moore
    View author publications

    You can also search for this author in PubMed Google Scholar

Copyright information

© 2016 The Author(s)

About this chapter

Cite this chapter

Moore, E. (2016). Understanding Families and Personal Relationships. In: Divorce, Families and Emotion Work. Palgrave Macmillan Studies in Family and Intimate Life. Palgrave Macmillan, London. https://doi.org/10.1057/978-1-137-43822-5_3

Download citation

Publish with us

Policies and ethics

Search

Navigation