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What does it mean to be a grandparent?

Despite being a universally recognised social category – a role that an individual will assume when his or her offspring becomes a parent – what constitutes being a grandparent nevertheless encompasses some degree of vagueness, especially when compared with other the familial social roles of parent or child. This perhaps explains why questions relating to ‘what it means to be a grandparent’ have attracted much attention in the literature of grandparenthood.

Understanding what it means to be a grandparent requires an exploration of the familial significance of assuming this role. The symbolism of being a grandparent in the family has been duly recognised in terms such as ‘national guard’ (Hagestad 1985), ‘family watchdog’ (Troll 1985) and ‘wardens of culture’ (Guttman 1985). Moreover, its sheer presence is appreciated as achieving an interpretive and identity-moulding function, providing cultural and ethnic connections to grandchildren as they construct their own biography, as well as the maintenance of family stability (Bengtson and Robertson 1985; Wiscott and Kopera-Frye 2000; Hagestad 2003). Erikson’s concept of ‘generativity’ (1982) has also been commonly referred to in interpreting the sense of generational continuity and immortality felt amongst grandparents. Together with the behavioural role discussed below, grandparenting shows significance both for the development of grandchildren and for the personal development of grandparents themselves (Bengtson and Robertson 1985: 276).

A grandparent is also widely recognised for his or her behavioural role in supporting the children’s parenting. Hagestad (2003) refers to the older parents as a ‘reserve army’ of support, and their support towards their children’s parenting can be emotional, practical and material. In this respect, Asian grandparents, in general, are certainly a strong ‘reserve army’, where their support is often forthright and direct, most commonly shown in the form of providing care for their grandchildren. A ‘Grandcaring study’ project in Australia, where grandparents are found to provide care support for more than one-fifth of children before school age, found that overseas-born grandparents, including a good portion of Asian grandparents classified as ‘avid carers’, are fully committed to their grandchildren. Avid carers are the most intensive in caring amongst the four typologies, which also include flexible family carers, selective carers and hesitant carers in declining degree of commitment (Goodfellow and Laverty 2003).

Featuring general acknowledgements of the diversity and complexity accompanying the grandparenthood role, there have been various studies focusing on grandparenting styles (see e.g. Neugarten and Wienstein 1964; Cherlin and Furstenberg 1985, 1986; Muller et al. 2002). Expanding upon Neugarten and Wienstein’s classification, Cherlin and Furstenberg (1985) divide grandparenting styles into five types, from the lower extreme, detached, through passive, to the active category, classified as supportive, authoritative and influential. They propose a life course approach to understanding grandparenting, and suggest that grandparents adopt the strategy of ‘selective investment’, allowing them to be simultaneously detached and involved. A grandmother may be a detached figure to grandchildren due to minimal contact, but actively involved with another grandchild living in close proximity, who is extremely personable or in need of help. Muller and Elder (2003) regard the different styles found in one grandparent as evidence of the embedded nature of intergenerational relationships within the matrices of multiple family ties, and highlight the significance of efforts from the link generation in the maintenance of strong grandparent–grandchild ties. The life course approach also implies that the frequency and depth of ties changes over time as grandparents become older and the grandchildren grow up, spending less time at home.

It is with consideration of the embedded nature of intergenerational relationships in family systems that this chapter chooses to explore the meanings of grandparenthood not only from the views of the grandparents themselves but also substantiated from the perspectives of the link parents and grandchildren. The grandparents are equivocal in their wish to be good grandparents. But what do they perceive as ‘good’? Does the definition differ depending on the national, social and cultural contexts?

1 The Cultural and Symbolic Significance of Becoming a Grandparent

One is promoted to grandparent status with the arrival of the first grandchild. When we asked the respondents how they felt when they became a grandparent for the first time, the question almost seemed redundant, with respondents responding readily ‘very happy naturally’ and ‘of course very glad’.

At one glance, becoming a grandparent during the natural progression of life may seem to be a ‘taken for granted’ stage, but it nonetheless comes with meanings that are socially and culturally constructed. Through subsequent analysis, two prominent family centric themes emerge: family continuity and advancing up the family hierarchy – whether consciously or unconsciously.

1.1 Family Continuity

Given the emphasis on fertility and the continuation of the family line across lifetimes in Asian culture, it is to be expected for grandparents to see grandparenthood as enabling one to fulfil these cultural pressures. They referred varyingly to the ideas of ‘carry on my surname’ (Thailand, grandmother, TI1), ‘carry on the family line’ (Hong Kong, grandmother, HN1) and ‘relief to have someone to carry out the responsibility of continuing the bloodline’ (Japan, grandfather, JH1).

Some grandparents compared the moment of becoming a first time grandparent with the present when their grandchildren have grown:

I am happier now, they have grown up and there is no need for me to look after them… they look for their own job and they are independent now.

(Malaysian-Chinese grandmother, MA1)

A comment from a Malaysian-Chinese grandmother also reinforces the significance of family continuity through the grandchildren: ‘I will be very happy seeing my grandchildren get married’ (MC1).

1.2 Preference for the Male in Family Continuity

Although several Asian cultures (such as in India, China and Korea) are known to have a general pattern of ‘boy bias’, a norm that has given rise to concerns in the trend of female demographic deficit in some countries (Das Gupta et al. 2003), the grandparents in this study all expressed their wholehearted joy and welcomed the arrival of their grandchildren, regardless of their gender or whether it was their daughter’s or son’s offspring.

A Thai grandmother (TI1), who said that she was particularly glad that her first grandchild was a son, explained that ‘being a woman is more difficult than being a man. I didn’t want my grandchild to have an uncomfortable life like me’. However, later she added, ‘In hindsight, it is the same. It does not matter whether I have a grandson or a granddaughter’.

Nonetheless, some grandparents are aware of the male preference norm and commented on the significance in the patrilineal family system to bear sons to pass down the bloodline. A Singapore-Indian grandfather (SA1) mentioned that ‘in our Asian mind, it is something to have a male son, a male grandson’ and that ‘people say that “oh I’ve got a grandson so I am proud”’. Although he asserted that he didn’t believe in it, he noted the significance to his 94-year-old mother-in-law for her grandson to have a son.

Such bias is sometimes felt amongst the younger generation as well. Although a Singapore-Chinese grandmother (SJ1) emphasised that her two grandchildren – a girl and a boy – who are co-residing are both precious to her, throughout the interview, her focus was on the grandson, who has become a doctor:

Sometimes I go downstairs and sit around with the neighbours… they asked ‘how’s your grandchildren?’ I said ‘grandson is now a doctor’ - they are all very happy for me. ‘So smart, your grandson has become a doctor!’ they said.

Perhaps she would express the same sense of pride if it were her granddaughter who had become a doctor; but the fact that the grandson is a doctor and she has shown favouritism towards him has caused her granddaughter a sense of discomfort. She herself recalled how her grandmother, who took care of them when they were young, has tended to dote more on her brother since a young age. The experience motivated the granddaughter (SJ3) to say that when she becomes a grandmother in the future, she will not show favouritism to her grandchildren. Similar discussion on the case in Chap. 5 has situated this in terms of the stress that a grandchild could feel.

1.3 Advancing Up the Family Hierarchy

Traditionally, the culture of filial piety in a Chinese context, and similar ideals in Thai, Indian and Malay cultures, where old age symbolises honour and authority, and where one is placed in a higher hierarchical status in the family to be venerated by younger family members, implies that assuming the role of grandparent is an achievement of a higher standing in an age-set system (van Willigen and Lewis 2006). Armstrong’s (2003) qualitative study on grandmotherhood in New Zealand also found that New Zealand-Chinese grandmothers place stronger emphasis on the cultural meaning of being old, voicing contentment at being accorded a position of honour in family and Chinese community events.

However, no grandparents in this study explicitly equated the meaning of grandparenthood with one’s advancement to a higher familial position demanding respect, lending support to discourses in recent decades on the decline of the status of the elderly in Asian societies (Thang 2010).

As the most industrialised nation amongst the five societies in this study, elders in Japan seem to have faced the most rapid decline in status (as discussed in Chap. 2). A Japanese grandmother (JC1) playfully referred to attaining a more important position in the family in the following manner:

I was kind of proud that I became more important when I became a grandmother. Because, it meant that now I have a member in my family who is more defenceless than myself, doesn’t it?

When she was asked when she became conscious of the fact that she is a grandmother, she reiterated the ritual roles that grandparents are expected to play in Japanese families in recognition of her new role. In Japan, there are various traditional ceremonies such as celebrating a newborn baby’s first visit to the shrine, the girls’ and boys’ days in March and May and special ceremonies when children turn 3, 5 and 7 years old. During these ceremonial events, grandparents are expected to be involved through contributions in cash or in kind, such as purchasing traditional costumes for their grandchildren’s ceremonies.

Nevertheless, as one Japanese grandparent discovered, not all traditional practices involving the grandparents remain. One Japanese grandfather (JK1), who was at a loss to describe the feelings of being a grandparent for the first time and referred to the ‘unique cuteness’ of the newborn grandchild as ‘[beyond] comparison’, experienced disappointment with her daughter:

Although I wanted to name my first grandchild, my daughter decided to name the child herself. It was shocking to find out that I don’t have a right to name a grandchild anymore. In that sense, I was half glad, half lonely.

In comparison, a Chinese daughter-in-law in Singapore (SO2) talked about accepting her mother-in-law’s assertion of naming their children, even when it is no longer a common practice:

I normally never stop her from doing what she wants to do, because I know it can be very sensitive. So I never interfere. If she says [she] wants to do this, I let her. That’s why people were so shocked when they knew she named my children. Because normally when couples get married and have their first child, the couple will name their own children, right? But before my child was even born, my mother-in-law already started giving names for my children. I accepted that and I never fight over it. In fact to me, [the fact that] the old folks wanted to name their grandchild, it was an honour. You should feel very proud of it. I accepted it.

Although grandparents’ ability to decide on important matters, such as the naming of the grandchild in this case, could indicate their respected position in the family, insistence from the older generation on naming their first grandchild also implies a perception of the grandchild as symbolising the continuity of the family and the generational legacy. Moreover, this insistence may also imply a desire to have at least some degree of influence over the younger generation’s life in today’s intergenerational landscape of declining grandparental involvement in nuclear families.

Contrary to the apparent declining influence of elders in Japanese family, a Thai link parent (TC2) observed that the grandchildren obey the grandparents a lot; this resonates with a link parent in a Malay family (MG2), who views the role of grandparents in the family as very important, ‘because usually children would listen more to their grandfather or grandmother than their mother or father’. They both suggested that the younger generation gives more respect to their grandparents as elders compared to their parents in the family.

2 Grandparents: The Informal Childcare Providers

It is common for grandparents in the study to have taken care or still be taking care of their grandchildren. Such help is common when parents are dual wage earners, but especially prevalent when they are in difficult situations, such as divorce, bereavement or sickness. A Thai link parent (TH2) who is currently divorced said that, in terms of her responsibility to her children, especially her eldest daughter, ‘I only gave birth to them, my mother raised them’, emphasising the fact that her children were all fed on ‘canned milk’ (milk formula) instead of the common practice of breastfeeding. In another Thai family where the son left his daughter with the grandmother because his wife has left him, the granddaughter came to call the grandmother ‘mother’ since she is left under her care totally. All the grandmothers in the Thai and Malaysian families had cared for and/or were still caring for their grandchildren; in comparison, about two-thirds of the grandparents in Hong Kong and Singapore, and only about one-third of grandparents in Japan, had provided childcare.

As most grandparents in the study had already passed the stage of providing active care to their grandchildren by bathing, feeding and taking care of their daily needs, this process was sometimes recalled nostalgically with joy and as a period of close interaction. The Thai grandparents are especially notable for the majority in the study, who referred to caring for the grandchildren as a pleasure, and emphasised that it was not a burden at all. The opportunity to prove one’s usefulness seems to be a motivation for some grandparents’ eagerness to care for the young – as one Thai grandparent (TA1b) commented:

Having a chance to take care of both my grandchildren and my children made me happy… [if I were not a grandmother] I would feel that something [were] missing, and a lack of confidence in my own usefulness.

This same grandmother’s grandchildren have now grown up, and she complained that her children and grandchildren try to stop her doing housework, as she is getting old:

They are grown up now, they can do the housework themselves. I responded to them by saying that I need to do something so that I can exercise. I don’t want to just lie idle all day.

The Thai grandparents in the study seemed overly optimistic. Another study on Thai grandparents has also shown that despite the norm for grandparents to care for their grandchildren, most considered full-time childcare to be a burden ‘which they would rather avoid’ (Kamnuansipla and Wongthanavasu 2005: 62). Moreover, grandparents’ responsibility for childcare could become the source of family tension and conflicts if the link parents disagree with their childrearing practices and consider them outdated. Some grandparents also felt a lack of energy in dealing with the daily care of their grandchildren as they grew older and requested additional assistance such as employing a live-in domestic help, which is quite commonly seen in Singapore and Hong Kong.

Nonetheless, grandparents were usually more willing to take on the role of caring for their grandchild when they were younger and in a better state of health out of love and concern for their own children. Most gave practical reasons, such as needing to do so because the mother and father must work, but also implied that they were the best available caregiver for their own grandchildren. Some grandparents perceived a reciprocal exchange from the link parents in return, as a Hong Kong grandmother (HT1) explained: ‘Because I take care of the grandchildren, my daughter loves me even more’. A Thai grandparent (TD1) who currently cares for great grandchildren expressed the return in financial aspects:

I am doing this just for the happiness of my children, also [so the] children can share with me some of the family expenses.

2.1 ‘Non-interference’ Behaviour and Caregiving

However, not all grandparents necessarily see raising grandchildren as an essential part of grandparenthood. In parallel with the norm of ‘non-interference’ more common amongst American grandparents, Japanese grandparents and the more educated Singapore grandparents in this study also demonstrated similar attitudes, explaining their non-interfering roles as a way of respecting the independence of the younger generation.

You see, I don’t interfere in their affairs at all. We love him, but we don’t ask him unless he tells anything. So when there’s no interference, there cannot be any problems.

(SA1)

Grandparents shouldn’t be too interfering or restrictive because young people do not like it. They have to be more open-minded.

(SD1)

Well as far as the children are concerned… They talk to us, we talk to them, although we would have liked it to be a little more, but we do respect their independence, their own thinking. They have their own thinking, we don’t want to impose too much of our will on them.

(SF1)

Grandparents in Japan are more explicit about refraining from interfering so as to stay out of the way of the link parents, especially the daughters-in-law, for family harmony. In the discussion on conflict management in Chap. 5, they reflect ‘non-interference’ as a strategy often adopted by the mothers-in-law to avoid conflict, a common problem in co-resident households.

If I could see my grandchildren, that’s enough, because I know if the family is peaceful, [and] I am relieved while I look on. All these years, there was only one moment I thought was disquieting. I was told off by my son, ‘Mum please don’t say the unnecessary’… men are scary because they hit you on the sore spot.

(JA1)

…. Being useful to son or daughter, in a certain sense, [is an] important role to grandfather [and] grandmother… [but] if you interfere too much, you will be told off by the daughter-in-law…

(JJ1)

Even if it is the grandchildren, if I say things like, ‘it is bad to do this’, ‘Grandma doesn’t like this’, to my daughter-in-law too, it doesn’t seem to be a good influence, it doesn’t feel good… Therefore, when one ages, shut one’s mouth. [It is] the best [thing].

(JG1)

Such a principle of ‘non-interference’ is welcomed by link parents:

It’s my own children thus I will bring them up the way I want… There is no such thing especially like “Do this” [from my mother-in-law].

(JC2)

To draw up the boundary of responsibility, especially to refrain from providing daily care of the grandchildren, seemed common amongst these grandparents, although they were still a reliable source of emergency help.

I made it very clear. The raising is their own responsibilities. I’m here, I’m available for emergencies. I’m a grandmother, I’m old… [but] having said that, all our children know that if there’s an emergency, we are available.

(SG1)

Sometimes, grandparents must eventually get more involved so as to relieve their children. A link parent (JH2) who lives on level two of a two-generation housing in Japan had been relying on her own parents living downstairs to care for her daughter until she left the job recently.

Now I am unemployed, but till August last year, I was working full time, so the sending and fetching of my child to and from cram school, the lunchboxes, they are all done by my mother. [For] the lunchbox, and washing too, I relied on my mother. Grandpa is the one who sent her to the station, and when I return from the company, I would fetch her home. Sometimes I will come back first before going to fetch her.

The grandfather (JH1), when interviewed, mentioned his wife as the main care provider of his granddaughter and said that they don’t have to refrain much since it is their daughter and not the daughter-in-law that they are dealing with. Although he considered himself as doing little in helping to care for the granddaughter, he expressed satisfaction from the frequent intergenerational interactions made possible by the ‘task’:

Since she was in kindergarten, I have sent and fetched her, only until recently [when my daughter stopped working]. I have sent and fetched her to and from cram school, so we talked often, such as [about] school matters; we talked about them in the car, [and] she listened to what I said more than ordinary children.

The unspoken rule of non-interference reduces expectation and leads to appreciation by link parents towards the grandparents’ readiness to offer assistance during difficult times:

At that time when I was really busy, and when the kids fell ill, although my parents had other matters to attend to, they said “that is more serious, so we will look after the child for you, you go to work.” They helped us when I was at a great loss [as to] what to do and couldn’t find help. They also understand the conditions of my work, and furthermore, lend a helping hand to us emotionally. It was very helpful to us when both of us were working.

(JI2)

3 Ensuring a ‘Good’ Grandchild: Grandparents and Value Transmission

The role of grandparents as transmitters of value and culture is well recognised, where grandparents as ‘wardens of culture’ are significant in guiding, preserving and passing on knowledge, experiences and skills to the next generation (Guttman 1985). Grandparents in the study agree that they should inculcate proper values and traditional cultural practices in their grandchildren and see various ways to achieve it. Expectations for such roles have also caused grandparents to become aware of how they should behave, as a Thai grandfather (TF1a) said: ‘I have to improve myself, I have to be more careful [with my behaviour]’.

Indirect or subtle modes of teaching appear most common, especially when grandparents are living with or near to the younger generations. Dinner times, when the whole family sits together for a meal, often offer good opportunities for grandparents to teach value and culture, such as teaching the young the correct way of holding chopsticks, how to behave in an appropriate manner and to show respect to seniors by addressing them before meals in a Chinese family.

A Singapore grandfather (SC1) refers to acquiring the culture as ‘automatic’: ‘…. [they see] my behaviour with others, [and] they catch our culture’. This is also referred to by the younger generations as ‘learning by immersion’ (SF2). Even for a Japanese grandparent (JA1), who asserted that he does not teach about morals or what’s right and wrong to the grandchildren, since this is the parents’ responsibility, he still realised that he does it in a roundabout manner, ‘saying something by chance’. One Japanese grandmother (JB1) expresses a similar idea:

Although we don’t give advice, isn’t it what is called growing up watching the backs of grandpa and grandma? Even if we don’t put it into words, by staying together, the atmosphere is generated. We teach her in a non-verbal way. I think it reaches her tacitly… she develops common sense through us.

3.1 The Scope of Grandparents’ Teachings

The scope of value transmission in an indirect manner is wide, including religious practices, cultural practices, etiquette, table manners and ethics – in general, socialising grandchildren to help them become acceptable members of the society and culture. Whilst Thai grandparents talked about bringing the grandchildren to Buddhist temples and teaching them how to pray, and Malay grandparents played active roles in imparting Islamic religious knowledge, Singapore grandparents appeared subtler in their transmission of religious knowledge.

A Singapore-Indian grandfather asserted that he had no intention to specially impart religious knowledge to his grandchildren, as he did not want to overteach them and turn them off from religion – whilst his grandson thought otherwise and felt that his grandparents had taught him a lot about religious knowledge since ‘they kept talking about morals and whatever’. Of both his grandparents, the grandson felt that his grandmother (SG3) had taught him more. Since grandmothers tend to provide more direct care of the grandchildren and spend more time with them on a daily basis, it is common for them to both directly and indirectly transmit their beliefs and religious knowledge to their grandchildren.

Some grandparents are more explicit about setting aside time to teach their grandchildren, such as teaching them how to cook traditional food, how to wear traditional dress and about other cultural knowledge and traditional literature and history:

I do not go to the extent of discipline, but during meals, I do say things like “You, with a single hand”… Teaching about one’s national culture, tradition and customs, when they are in junior high school, like ‘one hundred poems’, or when there is Chushingura on TV, I will say “That person is like this”, matters concerning history, I will teach them [what] I know.

(JC1)

Compared with tensions that may arise with grandparents’ role in childcare, the link parents expect grandparenting to mean value transmission to the young. As one Singapore link parent (SL2) suggested, “they should be role models in religion, morals and beliefs [especially in the case of grandfather]. They should also instil self-discipline [in the grandchildren].” Some parents felt that the sharing of life experiences by the grandparents with the young would be a valuable learning resource by itself:…So if they are able to instill some positive values in them, and share their own experiences with them, it’ll be very beneficial…

(SM2)

I feel that actually the experiences that they have, however minor a role in society, they would actually be contributing as long as they share with the children through the days their hardship, whether be it their difficult times. It actually gives an insight to the children as to how different it is from their days as well, in comparing to our days, because there is a generation gap, especially… my mum speaks dialect and they can only communicate fluently if they speak Mandarin, and they only speak Mandarin to her.

(SB2)

Where grandparents are educated, such expectation may also include teaching academic-related knowledge:

Well, I feel it’s a two way thing, like you know in a sense, they will benefit so much from learning from the older generation and… my dad’s knowledge in botany and stuff, it could really help the boys, and he’s also very good with the Hindu scriptures and stories, and so even when they were very little and he would come over, they always liked him to put them to bed because he has stories to tell… Now they’re much older, but my 14-year old son, when my dad comes, he just goes and sits [on] his lap.

(SG2)

Similarly, the grandchildren regard the dimension of value transmission as important in grandparenting. When asked about what kind of grandparents they would like to be in the future, the different aspects of teaching, such as teaching grandchildren schoolwork (since they will be educated) and teaching them to distinguish what is right and wrong, were common responses from the grandchildren.

Amongst the grandparents, expectations for their grandchildren differ with different socioeconomic status. For example, amongst the Thai grandparents, whilst those from the lower income families wished that their grandchildren would behave well (‘I just want them to do good deeds. Don’t be a gangster, study hard, have a good group of friends’ (TD1)), a Thai Chinese grandfather of better economic status asserted that he has only one hope for his grandchildren: ‘education, I want them to have PhD’.

Education comes across as a dominant theme, suggesting the notion of ‘good’ grandchildren as those who study hard, and ‘good’ grandparents as those who are able to support their grandchildren in their educational goals, either by teaching them and/or supporting them financially. The grandparents add to the ‘paper-chase’ pheno­menon especially prominent in Asian societies, where academic qualifications are passionately sought after as symbols of success and tools towards upward mobility.

3.2 A Good Grandparent Stays Away from Disciplining Grandchildren

Although grandparents see their roles in teaching their grandchildren to be good, this does not necessarily involve disciplining them. In fact, grandparents across all societies in the study recognised that disciplining the young is the parent’s responsibility; in contrast, the grandparents’ responsibilities are to love them, comfort them and be their friends.

… You see for example we can spoil the grandchildren, we can play with them. But disciplining is the parents’ responsibility… Unlike being a parent where sometimes you come across as a disciplinarian… as a grandparent, because you are more supportive, so you are more like a friend to them.

Singapore, grandparent, SG1

The grandchildren too have come to realise the role differentiation between parents and grandparents:

… When I was younger, my dad used to scold me because of my work not [being] good and whatever, [and] my granddad would come in as a mediator telling him to stop, enough, he’s learnt his lesson and this and this. If I do something wrong… break something or injure someone in school, usually my dad or mum will come and tell me off, but usually when they’re telling me off, my grandparents will come and tell them “enough, he has learnt his lesson and he won’t do it”…

SE3

A Japanese grandson (JS2) expects little from his grandparents:

If I have to say [what to expect from them], probably it’s good to have them as good friends. I think there is no meaning in expecting too much of them.

The link parents are aware of the differences and complementarities in the relationship:

…[Grandparents are]…something like a cushion. Because the children are always [being] scolded, because grandfather and grandmother are kind, they never scold them. They give comfort, [this is] the good thing about a family.

(JA2)

… To the children [the grandparent is] ultimately someone whose presence brought happiness to them. She plays with them, and if I coax her she will do as I say, and will buy things for us. To the children, she is very good, I think.

(JF2)

In a similar way to the grandparents in Japan, followed by those in Singapore and Hong Kong, who tend to adopt the ‘non-interference’ approach, grandparents in Malaysia and Thailand also agreed with the role differentiation between the parents and grandparents in discipline matters. However, they tended to be more outspoken with their disagreement over the disciplinary method.

Disciplining by physically punishing a child is common, except for in Japan. There is a Thai proverb – ‘love your cow, tie them, love your child, punish them’ – implying the need to teach the children by punishing them when they do something wrong. Many adults could recount how they used to be physically punished by their parents as children for their mischief. In Singapore and Malaysia, it is not uncommon for families with children to have canes at home as a tool of punishment. They are long thin stick of bamboos that are sold in provision stores. One possible tension between parents and grandparents arose often when grandparents tried to stop the link parents from physically punishing the children by hitting or caning them. Although this could be seen as the grandparents’ attempt to stop physical abuse by the link parents, link parents however believed that it was an effective method of discipline. A Malaysian-Chinese link parent (MD2) who lived with her mother-in-law argued over ways to discipline the young, in which she insisted on doing it her own way:

She doesn’t believe in [using the] cane in disciplining the children. We told her about the need to discipline the children sometimes, they do need the cane sometimes, you cannot do without it. She’ll listen. She doesn’t go against us.

A Hong Kong grandmother explicitly mentioned that although she doted on the grandchildren, she would not fend them from punishment by their parents.

In another Malaysian-Chinese family, the grandmother (MC3) sensed that her disapproval of caning the grandchildren as a way of punishment had led to a strained relationship between her and the parents, which had worsened since they moved out to stay far away and seldom come back to visit her.

A Thai grandmother (TC1) was also angry with the link parents for punishing their children:

I told her [my daughter] not to scold and punish the children too much. If you are angry, just hit yourself… I love my grandson. If he is being scolded, he will come to me and tell me that he was hit. I ask him why? His father has to work and he doesn’t know anything, his mother is not here. I told him [my son], why do you have to hit him, I never do that to you. He’s grown up now. I won’t be talking to you anymore if you are doing that again.

In such cases where grandparents interfere with the link parents’ way of disciplining the grandchildren, the grandchildren soon learn to turn to their grandparents for protection from their parents’ punishment.

However, grandparents felt uneasy when having to assume the role of parent in disciplining the young. A Thai grandmother (TI1) is a ‘replacement’ parent to her son’s daughter, who called her ‘mum’ because she had been under her care since birth, since her parents divorced and left the child. Such a situation of absent parents is not particularly uncommon in Thailand, particularly in the rural communities in northeast Thailand where the Thai families in this study are situated (Kamnuansipla and Wongthanavasu 2005). The grandmother played an active role in disciplining the grandchildren at home but felt uneasy doing it: ‘Whenever I disciplined my grandchildren, I had to sit and think about it over again; but I didn’t when I punished my own children [in the past]’. She revealed an awareness of the differences between caring for grandchildren and her own children although she noted the link.

The uneasiness in grandparents when perceiving their role as a disciplinarian supports early research on the differences between consecutive and alternate generational relationships (Radcliffe-Brown 1952). Whilst the consecutive relationship between parent and child tends to be unequal because of the necessity to discipline and control the young, the alternate relationships between the grandparent and grandchild are friendly and egalitarian and tend to be informal and indulgent. Although it can be argued that the egalitarian and informal relationships found in alternate generations may change if grandparents have to assume a parenting role, such as in the case of absent link parents, as the Thai grandparent (TI1) shows, there is eventually a difference that grandparents are aware of.

Hence, although some grandparents may still feel the need to play the disciplinarian role alongside their role in transmitting values to the grandchildren, in general there is consensus on who should take charge of discipline. However, grandparents may differ in the degree of their complementary existence, ranging from marginal existence by ‘staying in the shadow’ and providing support to parents, as a Japanese grandparent (JG1) has described, to a more central role of being a partner with the parents.

A Singapore-Chinese grandparent (SF1) is one of the few who believes in the partnering role of grandparents in giving advice to the young and in acting as the source of family continuity:

But grandparents, I think, play a very pivotal role in the growing up of the grandchildren, apart from the parents. The parents are the central figures, but equally important in terms of additional support and advice are the grandparents. They should never forget that these grandchildren were there because of you, and if you can, I think if you can enjoy that role, I think that’s the best gift in life you can ever expect.

His son, the link parent (SF2), expresses it from the angle of the role of grandparents as providing the balance for the parents:

… I suppose I’m biased by my own situation. Grandparents are partners, they sort of balance off the parents. So where parents are strict, the grandparents may be less strict. But when the parents are not strict, the grandparents should balance out in the other sense.

4 Conclusion

In parallel with literature identifying the grandparent role as diversified and complex, grandparents in this study showed that varying degrees of diversifi­cation and complexity surface amidst the general classification of meanings that define grandparenthood. A sense of meaning derived from achieving one’s responsibility of family continuity with the arrival of a grandchild may be affected by whether it is a grandson or a granddaughter. Whilst caring for the grandchildren is commonly perceived as what grandparents should be doing in many Asian societies, it is not necessarily accepted wholeheartedly, and grandparents in some societies are found to prefer to adopt an attitude of ‘non-interference’, keeping out of the aspects of childcare deemed to be the responsibility of the link parents. Grandparenthood is often highly regarded for its meaning in passing down values and culture to the young. However, this does not entail disciplining the grandchildren, which is seen as crossing the boundary into parenting.

The grandparents show ‘selective investment’, to use Cherlin and Furstenberg’s (1985) term, where they may feel closer to one grandchild who lives with them, but detached from others with whom they have less contact. Even in the same household, the grandparent may favour one grandchild more than the other because he or she has more needs, such as receiving little concern from their own parents (Thai family, TI). Moreover, in their time as grandparents, they experience different stages of engagement with their grandchildren: usually very close when they were young and grandparents acted as the caregiver, but more distant as they grow up and grow away from home when they become teenagers and spend little time at home. In one instance, a Thai grandparent also cared for the great-grandchild, showing a return cycle of care. However, some roles are more time and energy sensitive than others, and caring for the young might only be possible when grandparents are in relatively good health and have the energy to do so.

In addition, certain roles are more widely acknowledged than others due to attitudinal differences. Japan and to a large extent Singapore and Hong Kong grandparents are shown to adopt the ‘non-interference’ principle more explicitly, whilst Thai and Malaysian grandparents are more ready to be involved with their grandchildren.

In general, we see grandparents deriving meaning in terms of how much they can support their children in parenting, which can include instrumental, emotional, social and financial support. It is inevitable that as grandparents play supporting roles, whether from the margin or more centrally as the parents’ partner in bringing up the grandchildren, there will be a negotiation of their roles within the matrices of family ties, sometimes giving rise to tension and at other times mediated by cultural norms and expectations.

For the older grandparents in this study, especially those not living with their children and grandchildren, most rarely met their grown-up grandchildren or participated much in activities with them. However, as studies earlier have shown, this does not mean that they will rate the importance of the grandparent role lower than the younger grandparents (Clark and Roberts 2004). A study of 156 Chinese grandparents in Hong Kong found that grandparents who perceive their future time as more limited derived more meaning from grandparenthood – i.e. they perceived grandparenthood as a source of obligation and accomplishment, beneficial gains and that not being a grandparent was a loss of interpersonal warmth (Fung et al. 2005). As a role contingent upon the presence of other generations in the family, the grandparenthood fundamentally relates to one’s ability to receive and give love and affection, the satisfaction being derived from the process of giving and receiving, as well as the awareness that by becoming a grandparent, one has played one’s part in ensuring the continuity of family, bloodline or family name, as is emphasised by the culture.