Transitioning and Generational Cohort: Retirement

Abstract

While most persons in the United States look forward to the days when they are no longer a slave to the alarm clock or answering to bosses in work environments they perceive as less than ideal, their dreams often include more free time with close friends traveling or enjoying interests in common or the luxury of companionship with a spouse who still finds them attractive. But for those who are transitioning, have recently done so, or are planning to during retirement or those even experimenting with gender nonconforming presentations, their needs and means of staying connected to others are comparatively unique. This chapter will explore some of those unique needs and means of staying connected by discussing the findings of responses to a survey which was disseminated nationally among elder groups of those who fit into these categories. The sample was drawn from individuals in New York, Chicago, Indiana, Michigan, Minneapolis, and Los Angeles.

This chapter does not follow the academic style or educational rigor of the previous chapters. Rather, it is a social survey and personal narrative by a professional working with the transgender community in and around the Chicagoland area for over 20 years in private practice.

Appendix A

Essay question 1. Describe your personal experience with transition and its relevance to shared activities with others during retirement who have or are transitioning.

Responses

“Greater commonality in life experiences related to transition for “baby boomer” population generally than those transitioning younger today. They come into a more informed and welcoming society.”

“I get out once a month and that suits me. I enjoy the trans part of my life, but it is just a part of me, and I am okay with that.”

“I have enjoyed my years of experience transitioning and the related group activities I have attended.”

“Experience with transition has been good. Hostility has been extremely rare. I don’t discuss being transgender often, and it is not generally as issue in my activities.”

“I went through many purges of clothing. After hearing about Chi Chapter, 20 years later, I attended a meeting. It took time to fully present (en femme) but I did attend Be-All (conference) in 2012. Transition is on hold. (But still attending activities.)”

“Talks and meetings help a lot.”

“Transition is a journey, first of discovery, then of progression. I had a close friend, transgender, who was military like me. We talked to each other a couple of times a week, traveled together for weekend adventures, and generally supported each other. She transitioned very late, after her wife died, but my dear friend died last year. She was 80. I Skype with transgender friends that have fully transitioned. It is so helpful to have friends to talk about our lives and activities. We all live full time as women but I’m the only one having completed GCS. Attending Southern Comfort…and transgender organizations in Chicago and Florida were critically important for me in this journey. There are many challenges to overcome. It’s so important to have those around you to love and support (you) on this journey.”

“Transitioning is tough for me as I am in the closet with family and friends. Knowing no one knows my male self underneath my girl persona was very empowering in that I felt I could express myself. I have met friends who are a lot more active than I am thru (sic) Chi Chapter and social media. They have allowed me to join them in get-togethers in public social settings.”

“Transition was a long time coming but joyous since the time came.”

“I did not engage in any cross-dressing for over 30 years (1989–2019); worked with a therapist to unblock the repression. I feel supported and accepted at Chi Chapter meetings. They have been very helpful with my self-acceptance.”

“I could not imagine transitioning while I was working. I was retired about six months before I started to think about it. I have made a few friends at the T-FEM meeting. Aisha is the only one who is also retired. Being retired, we could drive to the Keystone Conference. During the drive, I learned that we have many things in common, an interest in antiques, woodworking, astronomy, and gardening.”

“In my experience, I have no retirees in transition. All of my friends who have or are transitioning are still active in business.”

“I have found informal gatherings; i.e., at a bar of people going through the same experiences to be crucial for me. Having the chance to informally and openly talk with others who fully support me has helped me get through the process. I have found meetings to be far less informative and not as open. I have gone to some social events at the Center on Halsted (ice cream social, TG film festival) which I would do more of if closer.”

“I have not transitioned. I like trans activities because I can be honest about who I am there.” “Social groups, conventions, support groups have been helpful. Having transgender friends, going out alone, with spouse, with relatives and friends has been very helpful. Coming out to family was the best help along with major help from my HRT doctor, my counselor, my electrologist, my trans friend and her post-op TG dad.”

“The first doctor I told asked if I wanted a psychiatric referral. Through other trans men I was able to find a doctor. The cost of hormones and syringes is nominal. I am not involved with other retirees. I am athletic, active and independent. I am concerned about getting older and becoming more vulnerable.”

“I tried to come out to a wife of 20 years, but that ended marriage. I went back into closet. Tried coming out to a girlfriend of 4 years, but that ended that relationship. I decided to transition on my own as much as I could. I began attending a Trans focused therapy and a support group where I was (Palm Springs). Great support albeit limited due to small market with limited resources. Much larger gay and lesbian community there. I moved to LA a year ago and have found Trans resources here to be fantastic and very supportive. I go to yoga, occasional (monthly) fitness classes at Trans Lounge where I am the oldest participant, but I love these sessions as I can be healthy …get out of the house presented as I choose. And I see a circle of transwomen and transmen that I am familiar and superficially friendly with. I have also attended a dozen other sessions ranging from the Trans Elder project to social events and skills workshops. All have been good (or most anyway) and I usually leave feeling safe, supported and loving the opportunity to be myself in a social setting with people who share many life experiences. I will not be able to retire although in a way I am due to being very, very underemployed at the moment and for the last few years…having a very difficult time getting hired and I am likely going to need to work way into my senior years.”

“I think that I have been very blessed in a couple of ways that many transwomen are not, and so my experiences and answers are heavily influenced by that. I think these advantages make my coming retirement much easier in many ways. First, I have a totally supportive spouse and children. That is a huge advantage that I think makes me much less dependent on specific trans-related activities. But it’s not necessarily something that an individual can control. If the support is not there, it’s not. We very much have already gradually incorporated a lot of being a cis/trans couple into our pre-retirement life.”

“Because of a serious chronic illness, I have had a “homebound transition.” Before this transition, I was living as a “sort-of” female at home; but now I see myself as a person who is mostly (roughly 2/3), even when presenting as male with family and some old friends outside my home. As long as I spend most of my time at home presenting as female, the feeling of being female sometimes endures most of the time that I am presenting as male. My homebound transition has been helped immensely by a cisgender female caregiver who accepts me totally as I am and assists me with anything and everything that I need help with- such as laundering my “girl things.”

“I retired in 2014, at age 57, in order to address my gender dysphoria. One year after retiring, I fully transitioned. I have used retirement to become an educator regarding gender dysphoria and transgender persons. My blog is eilerspizza.wordpress.com. I have been involved in trans education at Indiana University, had an article featured in Indianapolis Monthly Magazine, and interviewed on three podcasts. Also, I have been active in the trans community in Indianapolis, spoke at the 2015 Trans Day of Remembrance, participated in the drive for civil rights in Indiana, befriended and assisted several trans persons in Indy and have been a regular at Trans Indy group meetings. Because I am older, was a Lutheran minister, am married with children and grandchildren, I am able to be a voice of understanding in the trans community. I have helped them to grasp the difficulties with which their families and others struggle, striving to achieve compassion and unity for all, that all might be accepted, and families love each other. Because I am a blogger, I regularly receive correspondence from those experiencing gender dysphoria, who are trying to sort out all of this, who are facing great marriage, family, faith and work issues. I have used my experience, from every facet of my life to help them think things through.” [I interrupt the flow of responses here because this last response is so carefully articulated and demonstrates so beautifully what Erik Erikson taught us about his psychosocial theory of human development. It is in the seventh of his eight-stage model that he discusses the life crisis of Generativity vs. Stagnation. In other words, how do each of us use that time in our life when we are old enough to truly be helpful to younger ones coming up the ropes behind us, to take the time and effort to invest in being a guide and a support while we still have the ability and resources to do so? Clearly, this last response indicates an individual who is using his own life map full of trans-related experiences to assist others attempting to walk that path behind him. He not only holds the map and the lamp, he offers a hand to hold. He offers himself as a model, something each of us has sought since our earliest days. We long to see ourselves in the eyes of another.]

“My girlfriend (57 years old) and I live far from towns, in south central Oregon. The nearest city has a glbt group but that is an hour drive from here. As far as I know I am trans. I transitioned 44 years ago without a peer or support group.”

“There are few transmen in this area and none I have anything in common with besides transition.” “I believe there are some folks in my bi-weekly trans group meeting that are retired but the subject hasn’t come up while I’m there.”

“I THINK I AM THE OLDEST TRANS GUY THAT I KNOW. IT’S AN ISOLATING EXPERIENCE. I’M 67.”

Essay Question 2. Explain what kinds of activities you are most likely to attend.

Responses

“Trans group meetings, all ages.” “I attend the T-FEM discussion group and the Chicago Gender Society meetings.”

“Chi Chapter meetings and Gender Nonconforming occasional dinners with pre-trans friends. Very occasional shopping trips en femme.”

“Movies, veterans events, Chi Chapter (as her), Journey Group (as her), Golf.”

“I am fully integrated as a woman in all of my activities. I travel the world for a month at a time at least four times a year. In my day-to-day life I am not regarded as transgender, just as a woman. Some might know or suspect but in the past 4 years nobody has ever asked or commented. Next month my wife and I will travel to New Zealand to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary. While we live separately, we are still married and are together several times a week. Out to dinner; go to a movie, and other social activities.”

“Church activities at Holy Trinity Episcopal Church. Experimental Aircraft Association meetings and fly-ins. Local meetings of the National Model Railroad Association.”

“Activities where I can socialize with people.”

“I like attending scheduled parties at public higher-class lounges where interactions with genetic accepting women are present and dressing in fashionable attire is the norm. That seems to be an important criterion. I also like getting together with friends and go to public shopping malls while in girl mode. The experience is unique in my mind. Being with like-minded friends and sharing mutual interests is also important as going out by yourself is less satisfying.”

“Outdoor activities, athletics and photography, spending time with my grandsons.”

“Not sure yet. I haven’t found any that interest me. Maybe trans and partner events.”

“I attend a T-FEM group that meets twice per month. One could say it’s a support group, but technically not as it’s peer lead. This same group has, on occasion, gone ‘out on the town’ which was a good time. On other occasions, I’ve had a quiet dinner in a friend’s house who is just starting transition to help answer some of their spouse’s questions and to put a face on someone who is well into transition. Being new to the LGBTQ community, I tried to attend as many events of all kinds over the past year. I’ve been disappointed in the “T” representation at these events. For all I could tell, I was the only visible “T” person there in most cases.”

“Same as I currently do but would like to do more events that include more of the LGBTQ rainbow. And would be interested in an arts class or gardening class or hiking, something different. They do a bit of that at that the Center on Halsted but that is hard to get to.”

“When I have more time, I plan to attend activities relative to volunteering my time in helping others understand this process who may be struggling. I also hope to work toward educating others who are “NOT” trans to realize the need for understanding and equality.”

“I used to be at church weekly, but I was kicked out of several activities, so I don’t go anymore. I don’t have any social activities I do. I don’t play board games available at the Senior Center. I don’t like institutional food. I like to work in my kitchen. I like to sew. I like to walk but I can’t keep doing that because of broken bone injuries. I ride my bike in warmer weather.”

“Mostly lunches and outreach programs and just lots of times with good friends.”

“Where I know I can be of help to others.”

“I attend a trans men support group. I am getting tickets to a baseball game with friends who are cis-male. I have gone to a couple weekend workshops for trans masculine or trans me anywhere on spectrum. I sing with the Trans Chorus. I’ve been trying to go on an organized hike, but the activities are in L.A. and I am in Long Beach.”

“ACTIVITIES WHERE OTHER TRANSGUYS ARE.”

“I am at heart a minister and educator. I have loved the few dozen opportunities I have had to teach students, healthcare professionals and others what it means to be transgender and how we can best live in the world. Though I am an extrovert and outgoing, I tend to be a homebody. I am not interested in social activities, whether or not they are trans-related. Trans Indy helped me tremendously as I (and my wife) started attending as I was beginning my transition. They saw me through it, and now I want to continue attending so that I might help others. This type of setting, peers with peers, appeals greatly to me.”

“Fitness and wellness; Social; Skill/transition workshops; Creative projects.”

“I like to do some local trans events occasionally, both to support the local community and also to pay back the community by helping others new to the community the way I was helped when I first began getting out. I also enjoy doing some Pride events to show community spirit and support. But what I really love is just getting out in the wider world. I think that trans only events are really helpful as places to start. And in many cases I know that because of all kinds of circumstances some transwomen only feel secure and safe at a trans-related event. But for me it’s like a friend of mine once put it, “trans only events all the time are just a bigger closet.” As for activities: I love to dance. I mean I really love to dance! I also enjoy museums, concerts, movies and restaurants.”

“Online support discussion groups.”

“I can’t think of any. I connect with other trans guys and allies on Facebook, but I am not interested in socializing face to face. I am an introvert, ha! I garden and spend little time away from home.”

“Local symphony and choral events and Community Art Association events.”

“I like group meetings or support groups with other people who are trans or also LGBTQIA that are not necessarily social endeavors. Discuss topics of relevance to trans issues or other LGBTQIA issues, how to deal with things, etc. I do also enjoy social outings with similar groups. And also including those outside the LGBTQIA ‘family’.”