Treatment Modules for Violent Offenders

Abstract

In this chapter, modules are described of a cognitive-behavioral group treatment program for violent offenders. The content and form of these modules are the results of the heuristic model as presented in Chap. 2, literature study, research, and clinical experience. The modules are intended to reduce dynamic risk factors and to strengthen protective factors. There are modules for a Basic Program with at least 15 sessions (Anger Management, Prosocial Skills, and Moral Reasoning) and an Extended Program with at least 25 sessions. The Extended Program consists of five additional modules with a minimum of five sessions each (Prosocial Thinking, Consequences of Behavior, Prosocial Network, Contact with Women, and Work and Leisure). Two follow-up sessions are described for the evaluation of participants after the Basic or Extended programs.

Appendices

Appendix 1: Observing

This program is aimed at improving the way you interact with others. If you want to change how you deal with others, you need to be first of all aware of your behavior. In other words, you need to observe what you do and say. By looking and listening to yourself, it is easier to assess what you want to change and improve in your behavior. Also, in interacting with others, it is also important to observe what others are doing. This brochure is about the behavior of observing.

1.1 What Is Observing?

Observation is a description of what you hear and see. For example, someone who looks at the above drawing might say that the person of this figure is happy. What he or she really sees or observes is a hodgepodge of lines and circles, which is similar to a person with legs apart and diagonally up straight arms. Someone who says: “This is a happy person” is interpreting. This means that he does not describe what he sees when he looks at the drawing, but what he infers or thinks to see. Interpreting is to describe situations, persons, and events as to how one thinks that they are; that is to say one concludes what one actually sees and hears.

A few examples of observations and interpretations

• Joe has his mouth pinched together and said not a word to his supervisor/Joe is angry at his supervisor.

• Maria frequently moves from the left to the right in her chair/Maria is nervous.

• Fred got an A for his exam/Fred is doing everything well.

• Frank goes whistling through the apartment/Frank is cheerful.

• Ellen shouts at her child/Ellen is a lousy parent.

• Rita started crying when the dentist entered the waiting room/Rita is neurotic.

Some of the examples described here will probably raise questions with you. For example, “Joe is angry at his supervisor;” you can see this clearly on his face! The answer to this is that you actually do not know if Joe is angry at his supervisor. Perhaps he is afraid of him. What you can probably see, is that he pinches his mouth together and is silent. Thus, you cannot see that Joe is angry. If you say that he is angry, you interpret or conclude what you see. Of course, you may think that Joe is angry at his supervisor. But this does not clarify Joe’s feelings (angry or afraid?), and you might be wrong in your reactions. A rather concrete description of what someone is doing makes it is also evident to other persons what he or she was doing (observations). Also, the disadvantage of an interpretation is that various meanings and the following actions are possible. Acting upon the one that is not relevant leads to misunderstandings.

1.2 Observation in Situations in Which You Are Emotionally Involved

We have discussed so far only examples, where the actions of other people were observed. If you participate in a situation and feel insecure, anxious, angry, or disappointed, then it is even more challenging to observe. Let us consider what Carl said about attending a birthday party: “Listen. I was at a birthday party, and nobody noticed me. I was quite upset.” It is clear that by saying “nobody noticed me” Carl does not describe what he saw and heard. It is unlikely that no one has noticed him. In this case, Carl interpreted. Let us go further and question what happened? “Well, I can tell you, I felt terrible. I came in and congratulated the guy who gave the birthday party. I looked around and saw about 30 people in a room decorated with garlands. These people stood together in small groups and talked. I stood there quite alone and looked at the ground. I went after 5 min without saying something to anybody.” The latter is a report of Carl’s observations. You may perhaps have noticed now that his report contains statements such as “I have felt terrible” (observation of his emotion). This shows how Carl has felt at the moment. Your own feelings are observations too. Therefore, observations are descriptions of what one sees, hears, and feels itself.

Some examples of observations that relate to what you feel:

• “I was very insecure during the examination.”

• “I am sick.”

• “Last night I was furious at my father.”

• “I‘m very irritated by the child’s yelling.”

In examples above, the feeling is named (such as insecure, sick, and angry), and it is indicated clearly that it is me (“I”) and when (during the examination, last night). In the next example, Thomas describes what he experienced while shopping. Thomas’ statements are both observations and interpretations. Only the observations are printed in italics: “It was a disaster in the supermarket. The woman behind me has hit me with her shopping cart. I can’t stand just that. I felt irritated. I touched the man who stood in front of me. He turned around and said: ‘You are in a hurry?’ I blacked out and left quickly. Other supermarkets had already been closed. Such things happen to me again and again. “That is what upsets me.”

1.3 Exercises

We give some examples of someone’s reported experiences. Try to identify the observations and underline them.

• 1. I can say it again and again: That secretary will never learn it. Always the same errors in her letters. I went to her, and she did not even look up from her computer. I said “hello.” Even then she did not look up. I repeated my hello, and after some time she asked: “What’s the matter?” I was furious. I showed her the letter and the misspellings and asked her what that was about. She said, “If you are not satisfied, I can write another one.” The whole affair makes me pissed.

• 2. Yesterday I met the girl next door in front of our house. She always behaves as if I do not exist. I thought: “Give it a try.” And said: “Good evening.” She looked up and quickly looked the other way. She finds me not attractive enough.

• 3. It is always the same. Before I realize it is a huge pile of work that has to be completed. He obviously wants to annoy me. He comes out to me and asks if I have time to type just a few letters. Of course, I will be fired, if I don’t do it. He obviously thinks that I work too slowly. I can see it on his face.

• 4. Nobody likes me. Yesterday I got a letter from my mother. She writes nothing else than: Do you eat properly? Do you learn enough? Did you write to your aunt? Always being negative. As if there is nothing else in the world. The last 14 days I was every night quite alone, and do not think that anyone thinks to visit me. In any case, I’ve seen nobody for the last 14 days.

Appendix 2: Anger Management

1.1 Introduction

Below we explain how anger may lead to maladaptive (aggressive), but also to adapted (assertive) behavior. Anger is a feeling. For instance, you are furious at someone because what you wanted to happen did not happen. You feel that you have been wronged or think that the other person has offended you. Anger is a very strong emotion, less strong emotions are annoyance or irritation. If you can control your anger in such a way that you react appropriately, you will reach your goal more often and you will feel less agitated. To clarify the connection between anger and maladapted behavior, we use the following behavior chain: Behavior chain: Antecedent → Thoughts → Tension → Emotion → Behavior → Consequences

1.1.1 1. Behavior

Aggressive behavior is an example of inappropriate behavior because the direct result is often positive, but in the long run, you get into difficulties. You get annoyed by others or, in the worst case, you come into contact with the law. Therefore, we call aggressive behavior inappropriate behavior. It is better to stand up for yourself in an assertive way. Assertive behavior means that you act according to your interests without affecting other people’s rights. Assertive behavior is an adaptive behavior. In our interaction with each other, we have to apply specific values and norms of our society. Standards and values are social rules that ensure that people are pleasant, polite, and respectful of each other. With assertive behavior, you take into account those values and norms, even if you stand up for yourself.

1.1.2 2. Antecedent

Emotions such as anger usually have to do with what someone else says or does. We speak of an antecedent event when the behavior of another person can give rise to irritation, anger, or rage. These emotions may lead you to behave aggressively, for instance by scolding, threatening, or beating. To be able to act appropriately, it is essential to realize what happens precisely: What does or says that other person exactly. In a situation, it is best to first carefully observe what you hear or what you see and what you feel yourself. We call those observations. Behavior chain: Antecedent → Behavior.

Example: Wesley has just made coffee, but the coffee can is still on the counter. However, Nancy wants to do the dishes. Nancy says to Wesley in an angry voice: “Can’t you store that coffee in the closet right away? Then at least I can do the dishes.”

Behavior chain: Coffee can at the kitchen counter → Nancy scolds Wesley. Alternative behavior chain: Coffee can at the kitchen counter → Nancy asks Wesley to store the coffee.

1.1.3 3. Thoughts

Observations are followed by thoughts (interpretations). It is important to make a distinction between what you observe (antecedent) and the interpretations you make (thoughts). Interpretations are thoughts that you have about the antecedent. A thought can be: “She has the pick on me” or “He is forgetful again.” Behavior chain: Antecedent → Thoughts → Behavior.

Example: Daphne is not home yet at 7 o’clock in the evening, while she always stops working at half past five. Dennis looks at the clock and thinks: “She’s cheating.” As soon as Daphne comes home, Dennis scolds her. Behavior chain: Daphne is not home yet at 7 o’clock → Dennis thinks: “She has an affair.” → Dennis scolds Daphne when she returns home. Alternative behavior chain: Daphne is not home yet at 7 o’clock. → Dennis thinks: “She can take care of herself.” → Dennis asks Daphne when she comes home why she is late and if she wants to call from now on when she has to work overtime.

1.1.4 4. Physical Tension

When people perceive someone’s behavior as a threat, they usually do not get angry right away. It takes a while before they know exactly what is happening. They do notice that their physical tension immediately increases. This tension can occur in different ways: faster heartbeat, perspiration, stretching muscles, shaking, blushing, and the like. An increase in physical tension is entirely reasonable in social situations in which, in our opinion, something unpleasant happens. Behavior chain: Antecedent → Thoughts → Tension → Behavior.

Example: Patrick walks into the hall with a bag full of groceries. Marian is running ahead of him. Marian does not keep the door open for Patrick. Patrick thinks: “What a bitch” and gets completely riled up. The next time Patrick does not keep the door open for Marian. Behavior chain: Marian does not keep the door open for Patrick → Patrick thinks: “What a bitch” → Patrick gets worked up → Next time, Patrick bangs the door shut in front of Marian’s nose. Alternative behavior chain: Marian does not keep the door open for Patrick → Patrick thinks: “She is with her thoughts elsewhere.” → Patrick relaxes → Patrick says something about the fact that Marian did not keep the door open for him and asked her to show some consideration with him the next time.

1.1.5 5. Emotions

Behavior is partly determined by the feelings that precede it. Negative feelings may lead to maladaptive behavior: Feeling down to depression, anger to aggression, suspicion to social isolation. Negative feelings are not always wrong. Death comes with grief, and deception comes with bitterness. These feelings are temporary. Behavior chain: Antecedent → Thoughts → Tension → Emotions → Behavior.

Example: Gerald is waiting in the bakery for his turn. Then arrives a woman who immediately addresses the saleswoman and asks for her order. The saleswoman does not dare to refuse because she and the woman are good acquaintances. Gerald thinks: “What a rude person, acquaintances have certain privileges here.” He gets it completely hot under the collar. Gerald feels completely ignored and walks angrily out of the shop. Behavior chain: Woman pushes forward in the bakery → Gerald thinks: “What a rude person, acquaintances are allowed to do this.” → Gerald gets it hot under the collar → Gerald feels ignored and angry → Gerald runs out of the store. Alternative behavior chain: A woman pushes forward → Gerald thinks: “She does not notice me.” → Gerald relaxes → Gerald feels fairly calm → Gerald says that it is his turn first.

1.1.6 6. Consequences

Behavior is mainly determined by the consequences it has. It is essential to make a distinction between (a) consequences immediately after the end and (b) consequences after some time. Some behaviors directly produce a positive result but have negative consequences in the longer term. For instance, good food can lead to getting too fat. In yet other cases, the result is negative in the short term but the effect is positive after months or years. Going to school means that you cannot spend all day with your friends but you obtained a diploma later on. Consideration is not always easy. This is partly because you can be more assured of a direct result than of a long-term consequence. Many people find it difficult to see beyond the end of their noses.

Aggressive behavior almost always has immediate positive consequences. You immediately get your way, the other one caves in. You have been able to take revenge, your prestige in the group becomes more prominent, etc. The consequences, in the long run, are hardly visible at the time. It is only after some time that the other person is likely to mobilize his friends and, in turn, he will pay you back. In the worst case, you come into contact with the law. Often it takes months before you are convicted and even longer if you have to serve a sentence. In the long run, aggressive behavior is always disadvantageous for all those involved. Aggression always leads to even stronger aggression, to social isolation, and to crime. Behavior chain: Antecedent → Thoughts → Tension → Emotions → Behavior → Consequences.

Example: Dwight is queuing at the supermarket. The woman for Dwight asks the cashier after the checkout how it goes with her children. Dwight thinks: “I’ll be here until tomorrow” and is getting tense. He is annoyed and says to the cashier and the woman: “Can’t you hurry up? I have something else to do than to listen to your chatting.” The cashier gets scared and says: “I will help you immediately.” Dwight is immediately helped but later feels uncomfortable because he was in no hurry. Behavior chain: A woman is talking with cashier → Dwight thinks: “I’ll be here until tomorrow.” → Dwight gets tense → Dwight gets annoyed → He makes an angry remark to the cashier → Dwight is helped immediately but later feels uncomfortable. Alternative behavior chain: A woman is talking with cashier → Dwight thinks: “I have some time, if it does not last too long.” → Dwight relaxes → He stays calm → Dwight says to the women: “Aren’t you chatting a bit too long?” → Dwight feels comfortable because the women look at him kindly and take him into account.

Appendix 3: Social Skills for Module Prosocial Skills and Module Work and Leisure: Goals and Criteria

1.1 1. Making and Maintaining a Contact

What do I want to achieve?

• Starting a conversation with the other person

• Telling something about myself

• Asking something from the other person

• Showing that I appreciate the contact with the other person

• Letting the other person know that I pay attention to what he or she says

What do I pay attention to?

• That I show why I want to make acquaintance.

• That I am direct by starting sentences with “I”.

• That I say that I appreciate the contact.

• That I am clear about that I am talking about us together.

• That I am short and concise.

• That I align my nonverbal behavior with what I say.

1.2 2. Ending a Situation

What do I want to achieve?

• Stopping the conversation with the other person.

• Showing the other person that I will return to the discussion soon or in due time.

• Emphasizing that stopping does not mean that I find the discussed subject unimportant.

• Allowing myself the time to think about what has been discussed.

• Letting the other person know that I find the continuation of good contact important.

• Ensuring that the other person knows that he or she can also return to the discussion.

What do I pay attention to?

• That it is clear what I want to convey, namely that I want to think about what we discussed and that I consider the continuation of good contact important.

• That I am clear by starting sentences with “I.”

• That I am clear about what and who I am talking about, namely what we just discussed.

• That I am short and concise.

• That I align my nonverbal behavior with what I say.

1.3 3. Asking for Help (Making a Request)

What do I want to achieve?

• Asking the other person to help me with a certain activity.

• Showing the other person that I cannot do it alone, and that I think it is important that the activity takes place.

• Thanking the other person afterwards for his or her help.

• Ensuring that the other person knows that he or she can also appeal to me if necessary.

What do I pay attention to?

• That it is clear what I ask help for.

• That I am direct by starting sentences with “I”.

• That I am clear about what and about which activity I am talking and how the other person can help me.

• That I am short and concise.

• That I align my nonverbal behavior with what I say.

1.4 4. Refusing

What do I want to achieve?

• Doing what I want to do.

• Preventing me from doing things that I do not want to do.

• Teaching the other person to look for a solution himself or herself.

• Preventing me from raising expectations with another person, as a result of which he may make me too many and unreasonable requests.

• Preventing me from doing something against my will.

• Preventing people from benefiting from me.

• Ensuring that the other person takes into account my interests.

• Making it clear to the other person that I will refuse and reject his request and not his person and future requests.

  What do I pay attention to?

• That I refuse or say “no”.

• That the refusal is direct, that is to say, that “I” does not want something.

• That the refusal is specific, which means that I indicate precisely what I refuse.

• That I make clear that I have decided to refuse and do not defend myself.

• That I align my nonverbal behavior to what I say.

1.5 5. Responding to a Refusal

What do I want to achieve?

• Showing that I understand that the other person refuses and why.

• Accepting that my request is rejected and not my person.

• Indicating that I assume that the refusal concerns only this request.

• Investigating whether I can achieve my goal differently.

What do I pay attention to?

• That I express my feelings of disappointment.

• That I remain calm and do not continue to urge the other person.

• That I ask if I can appeal to him or her in other situations.

• That I align my nonverbal behavior to what I say.

1.6 6. Criticizing

What do I want to achieve?

• To give the other person an insight into his or her behavior with the intention to stop an annoying habit.

• By criticizing somebody to make him or her something clear.

• To show the other the consequences of his or her behavior.

• Give the other alternatives for his or her behavior.

• Making it clear to others that my criticism is focused on his or her behavior and not on his or her person.

• Opening up my feeling about something, instead of holding it back.

• To let someone know to what extent he or she can count on me.

• Preventing people from trifling with me.

• Satisfying myself with an achieved goal.

What do I pay attention to?

• That I say that I am dissatisfied with someone’s behavior or way of doing things.

• That my criticism is an assertion and not a question.

• That I directly say that “I” am bothered by it.

• That my criticism is directed at the other by saying “you”.

• That I am concise and concise.

• That I am specific in what I am talking about and do not associate my criticism with other situations.

• That my criticism may be accompanied by request for change in a positive direction.

• That I align my nonverbal behavior to what I say.

1.7 7. Responding to Criticism

What do I want to achieve?

• Letting the other person know that I have listened.

• Giving the other person room for his criticism, even though I do not agree with it.

• Wondering seriously if I should change something in my behavior.

• Asking the other which alternatives he or she thinks of.

• Making it clear that I do not interpret the criticism as directed at my person but at my behavior or activity.

What do I pay attention to?

• That I show that I have understood to which behavior or activity the criticism relates (for example by summarizing what the other person has said).

• That I say briefly and concisely what I think of the criticism.

• That I express any feelings of disappointment.

• That I may thank the other person for his or her remarks.

• That I align my nonverbal behavior to what I say.

1.8 8. Giving Your Opinion

What do I want to achieve?

• Making clear what my position is.

• Showing that I have a point of view.

• Presenting my ideas, even though I may not know everything about it.

• Giving space to the other person’s point of view.

• Trying to improve the relationship with the other person.

• Trying the other to convince of something.

• Provoking a discussion with the other person because I find that interesting.

• Ensuring that others take account of me or my opinion.

• Showing who I am.

• Learning something, becoming wiser.

What do I pay attention to?

• That I make it clear that it is my point of view, by saying “I like,” “I agree with you because ……,” “I do not agree with you, because …,” “I think that …… ,” “I believe that ……,” and so on.

• That I say briefly and concisely what my opinion is.

• That I am clear in what I think.

• That I listen to what the other person says and possibly summarize this.

• That I let the other person finish.

• That I align my nonverbal behavior with what I say.

1.9 9. Standing Up for Yourself

What do I want to achieve?

• Getting what I think is due to me.

• Ensuring that another person keeps to his agreements.

• Giving myself the feeling that I have achieved something.

• Making it clear to the other person that I think I am entitled to something.

• Making it clear to the other person that from now on I want to return what is mine without asking for it.

• Making sure that the other person takes account of me.

• Making it clear to the other person that I find it annoying when wronging me.

• Achieving my own goals.

• Preventing me from being used or misused.

What do I pay attention to?

• That I state specifically when I want that something happens.

• That I am direct by saying that “I” wants something.

• That I say briefly and concisely what I want.

• That I do not do my request as an order or assignment, so for example: “I would like …” instead of: “Do this or do that.”

1.10 10. Complimenting Someone

What do I want to achieve?

• Making the other person feel good; improving the relationship with another person.

• Promoting that the other also does something for me in return.

• Letting the other person know that I pay attention to what he or she says or does.

• Promoting that the other makes fewer demands on himself.

• Allowing myself the space to give a positive opinion, even if the other does not agree with it.

What do I pay attention to?

• That it is positive what I say.

• That I am direct by starting sentences with “I”.

• That is clear about what and who I am talking about, namely about the other person.

• That I am short and concise.

• That I align my nonverbal behavior with what I say.

1.11 11. Complimenting Yourself (Making Positive Self-Statements)

What do I want to achieve?

• Making me feel good.

• Rewarding myself with the goal of performing the activity in the future more often.

• Communicating the pleasant feeling that I have to others.

• Giving the other person a compliment about myself.

• Letting someone else know that I am happy with myself.

• Letting someone else know that I have met the demands that I made to myself.

What do I pay attention to?

• That it is positive what I am saying about myself.

• That I am direct, namely that “I” finds something.

• That I am clear, so say exactly what I am talking about and who I am talking about, namely myself.

• That I am short and concise.

• That I align my nonverbal behavior with what I say.

1.12 12. Responding to a Compliment

What do I want to achieve?

• Showing my feelings about the compliment that the other person expresses.

• Showing that the valuation makes me feel well.

• Ensuring that another person gives his or her compliment more often.

• Making the other person feel good.

• Ensuring that I continue with what I did/do.

• Letting the other person know that I pay attention to what he or she says.

• Letting the other person know that I have listened.

• Making me feel good.

• If necessary, adapt my high requirements because of the others compliment.

• Allowing the other person to give his positive opinion, even though I do not agree with it.

  What do I pay attention to?

• That it is positive what I say, about the fact that the other person gives the compliment whether or not I agree with what the other person says.

• That I am direct by starting sentences with “I”.

• That I am clear about what and who I am talking about, namely about myself.

• That I am short and concise.

• That I align my nonverbal behavior with what I say.

Appendix 4: Social Skills for Module Prosocial Network: Goals and Criteria

1.1 1. Making Acquaintance

What do I want to achieve?

• Starting a conversation with the other person.

• Telling something about myself.

• Asking something to the other person.

• Showing that I appreciate the contact with the other person.

• Letting the other person know that I pay attention to what he or she says.

What do I pay attention to?

• That I have thought in advance of a topic for a short conversation.

• That I explain why I want to become acquainted.

• That I am direct by starting sentences with “I”.

• That I say that I appreciate the contact.

• That I ask open questions.

• That I am short and concise.

• That I align my nonverbal behavior with what I say.

1.2 2. Making an Appointment

What do I want to achieve?

• Making an appointment to get to know the other person better.

• Letting the other person know what my interest is.

• Asking the other person what his or her interest is.

• Checking whether we have common interests.

• Showing that I appreciate the contact with the other person.

• Letting the other person know that I will appreciate a continuation of the contact.

What do I pay attention to?

• That I explain why I want to become acquainted.

• That I am direct by starting sentences with “I”.

• That I say that I appreciate the contact.

• That I am clear about that I am talking about us together.

• That I take the time to tell something about my interests and to let the other person tell something about his or her interests.

• That I align my nonverbal behavior with what I say.

1.3 3. Deepening a Contact

What do I want to achieve?

• Getting a better contact with the other person.

• Telling the other about certain subjects that are confidential to me.

• Letting the other tell about confidential matters for him or her.

• Showing that I want to intensify contact with the other person.

• Letting the other person know that I am interested in him or her as a person.

• Letting the other person know that in the future I want to continue to see the other person regularly.

What do I pay attention to?

• That I show that I want a better contact with the other person.

• That I gradually bring up confidential topics.

• That I let it be appreciated as the other person enters confidential matters for him or her.

• That I am direct by starting sentences with “I”.

• That I show to appreciate it that the other is interested in me.

• That I am clear about who I am talking about, namely about us together.

• That I take the time to quietly discuss confidential subjects.

• That I align my nonverbal behavior with what I say.

1.4 4. Informing Others About Your Rehabilitation or Treatment Program

What do I want to achieve?

• Informing the other about the fact that I undergo (have undergone) an obliged rehabilitation or treatment program.

• Showing that I appreciate it if the other person wants to listen to my story.

• Correcting any misconceptions about imprisonment or obligatory forensic psychiatric treatment.

• Enabling the other person to ask questions about my previous history.

• Showing that I would appreciate it if the contact is not broken.

• Showing that I understand the other person’s difficulty with my pre-history.

  What do I pay attention to?

• That I announce in advance that a difficult subject will be mentioned.

• That I tell the other person in a direct way and without rancor that I undergo (have undergone) an imprisonment or obligatory forensic psychiatric treatment.

• That I show understanding for any difficulty the other person may have with my background.

• That I tell exactly what happened on questions about my prior history.

• That I say to appreciate it that the other person wanted to listen to my story.

• That I say I hope that the contact is not broken.

• That I ask the other person to use the information I have provided confidentially.

• That I align my nonverbal behavior with what I say.

1.5 5. Responding to a Rejection

What do I want to achieve?

• Showing that I understand that the other person does not accept my previous history.

• Accepting that only the other person rejects my person and not everyone.

• Making it clear that I assume that the other person wants to break the contact.

What do I pay attention to?

• That I express my feelings of disappointment.

• That I remain calm and do not insist on the other person.

• That I request nevertheless to keep confidential with the information provided by me.

• That I align my nonverbal behavior with what I say.

Appendix 5: Social Skills for Module Contact with Women: Goals and Criteria

1.1 1. Showing Your Need for Intimacy

What do I want to achieve?

• More intimate contact with my girlfriend/boyfriend.

• Telling something about my sexual preferences.

• Knowing the other person’s sexual preferences.

• Touching, kissing, and making love.

• Showing that I will not impose anything.

• Showing the other person that you find her/him sexually attractive.

What do I pay attention to?

• That I state what I need, namely intimacy.

• That I am direct by starting sentences with “I would like …;”

• That I say how attractive she/he is.

• That I do not force anything if my girlfriend/boyfriend responds negatively.

• That during or after touching, kissing and lovemaking, I ask my girlfriend/boyfriend if she/he liked it.

• That I am clear about who I am talking about, namely us together.

• That I align my nonverbal behavior with what I say.

1.2 2. Responding to a Rejection

What do I want to achieve?

• Letting the other know that I understand that the other does not share my needs at that time.

• Accepting that I may proceed too energetically and that my initiative at that time is rejected, but not my person.

• Making it clear that I assume that my girlfriend/boyfriend indicates when she/he does need more intimacy.

What do I pay attention to?

• That I express my feelings of disappointment.

• That I remain calm and do not continue to urge my girlfriend/boyfriend.

• That I ask my girlfriend to indicate the moment she/he needs more intimacy.

• That I do not blame my girlfriend/boyfriend but respect her/his opinion.

• That I align my nonverbal behavior with what I say.

1.3 3. Responding to an Approach

What do I want to achieve?

• Letting the other know that I appreciate the approach.

• Saying to the other person that I find her attractive.

• Saying that I have strong feelings or are excited.

• Showing that I want to have sexual contact.

• Showing that I will take the other person into account as she/he thinks that I react too directly.

What do I pay attention to?

• That I say that the approach is pleasant.

• That I tell the other person to find her/him be (sexually) attractive.

• That I indicate the need for sexual contact.

• That I am direct by starting sentences with “I”.

• That I respect the opinion of the other person who thinks that I am too fast.

• That I take ample time to go into the approach and to say what I think of it.

• That I align my nonverbal behavior with what I say.

1.4 4. Talking About Sex

What do I want to achieve?

• Exchanging experiences with pleasant and unpleasant sexual actions.

• Exchanging habits around sex.

• Discussing the use of contraceptives.

• Discussing any sexual problems like premature ejaculation, erection problems, or not able to achieve orgasm.

• Discussing any tools such as porn movies, challenging clothes, and the like.

What do I pay attention to?

• That I state my sexual preferences.

• That I make sure my girlfriend/boyfriend can say what her sexual preferences are.

• That I take ample time to discuss topics as the use of contraceptives.

• That I show understanding for the possible sexual problems from my girlfriend/boyfriend.

• That I do not want to force anything and that I ask my girlfriend/boyfriend to say it right away if I do something she/he does do not like.

• That I tell my girlfriend/boyfriend immediately about my possible sexual problems and expect her/him to show understanding.

• That I align my nonverbal behavior with what I say.

1.5 5. Deepening Intimacy

What do I want to achieve?

• Improving further the relationship with my girlfriend/boyfriend.

• Saying that I need more and more intimate contact.

• Discussing possibilities to continue with improving the relationship.

• Asking my girlfriend/boyfriend if she/he also needs more intimacy.

• Discussing the conditions for a better relationship.

• Letting the other person know that I care much about further improvement of the relationship.

What do I pay attention to?

• That I say that it is important to me that the relationship further improves.

• That I indicate being prepared to do a lot to achieve that.

• That I ask my girlfriend/boyfriend how she/he thinks about it.

• That I ask my girlfriend/boyfriend what possibilities she/he sees in a further improvement of the relationship.

• That I am direct by sentences with “I would like to start ….”

• That I take plenty of time for the conversation.

• That I align my nonverbal behavior with what I say.