Harmful Patterns and Traumatic Situations

Abstract

Here you will have a chance to look at your own life and see if any harmful patterns your parents were subjected to and you grew up with have inadvertently been repeated with your children. As children we learn from our families how we should be, not only through words but by example, and, unless there has been a powerful intervention in our lives, we tend to repeat much of what we’ve learned. Without intervention these patterns will likely be repeated with our grandchildren, regardless of whether or not they were useful to our parents, ourselves, or our children. It’s not that we don’t want it to be different when we realize that things are not working well. Most of us in fact are determined to do a good job parenting, and do as well as we can. But we often take on the roles our parents had when we get married or become parents. We marry people who allow that role to be repeated. This would not be a problem if our parents had been in a cooperative relationship with each other and had been able to listen, share their feelings, understand us, and taught us skills in communication. Nor would it be a problem if our parents had modeled giving, receiving, and fair conflict resolution. But most of us have not been that fortunate. This chapter is for those parents who wish they had been able

When you betray somebody else, you also betray yourself.

Isaac Bashevis Singer, Interview, N. Y. Times Magazine