Facing My Central Problem

Abstract

I remained in a state of deep depression. Everything I did was a great effort, and required all my willpower. On the evening of Tuesday 16 May 1967 I sat in my bedroom and watched television, hoping it would distract me. My mind wandered. I felt worse than I could ever remember. Despite my psychotherapy treatment my symptoms increased and intensified. Was this because of the psychotherapy I wondered? Yet if I hadn’t gone to Dr Goldblatt I believed I would have deteriorated anyway. I might have ended up in the hands of doctors I didn’t trust. At least with the present situation, I had some degree of control over my treatment, but I wished I had more. I wanted Dr Goldblatt to be less analytical and more supportive. I had gone to him originally because my symptoms had become intolerable. I had asked him to help me. I hadn’t realised he would pull me to pieces. Now he was taking his time to put me back together again. I was hoping he would be able to reduce my symptoms so that I could lead a more normal life. Why couldn’t he do that? Why couldn’t he postpone dealing with my personality defects until later when I hoped to be stronger in my mind?