Abstract
This chapter presents a model for understanding and regulating shame in relationships. According to this approach, when one experiences a strong shame reaction, three related problems arise in the system: the individual’s problem is loss of voice – we lose the ability to express what is most alive for us. It is a reduction in one’s experience and reflects a disruption in the ability of the self to collaborate with – and to integrate – its constituent parts. The relational problem is loss of connection – we shift from a collaborative mode to an adversarial or disconnected mode. We lose the ability and the will to communicate with others. The third problem relates to the observer’s/group’s loss of empathy – in witnessing the shamed person’s behaviors and relationships, others (i.e., any observing third person) become reproachful, disapproving, or alienating. In the therapeutic setting, this triple effect plays out in three ways: the client losing his ability to adequately express his experience, the client losing his rapport with those family members present or with the therapist, and the therapist losing her own empathy toward the client. The therapeutic task is to recover from these three losses. To do so, the therapist, through the use of the systemic mirroring intervention, assists the individual in finding his or her voice, helps re-establish connections to significant others, and regains her own lost empathy for the client.
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Notes
- 1.
John Donne’s saying, “no man is an island,” highlights the importance of others to one’s life and the interdependence between people. It is considered one of the most popular expressions in the field of family therapy, emphasizing that “we exist as parts of an interactional system” (Piercy et al. 1996).
- 2.
Of course not all attacking behaviors are shame related. Attacks can be fueled by other emotions such as fear or anger, and their function in these cases is different.
- 3.
Invented by Ramachandran, a neuroscientist and one of the biggest proponents of mirror neurons
- 4.
This recess from eye contact is a crucial aspect of the systemic mirroring approach. The discrepancy between the success rates of dyadic and triadic interventions can be attributed in part to the latter’s allowing the client a moment of relative privacy while he learns about himself through watching this reflection of his hidden needs, without his reactions being overtly observed.
- 5.
In this regard, I knowingly choose not to adhere to classical family therapy theory.
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Weinblatt, U. (2018). Systemic Mirroring: A Model for Shame Regulation. In: Shame Regulation Therapy for Families. Springer, Cham. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-319-77470-1_4
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