Abstract
Gay and lesbian rights organizations since the mid-twentieth century have advocated coming out as a tool for claiming inclusion (D’Emilio 1998 [1983]). While this approach is widespread in the Hungarian LGBTQ community, just as often people argue for or against coming out with reference to notions of kinship. The result is often various forms of partial coming out, which trouble the closet/outness dichotomy widely accepted in public and academic discourses. Moreover, it is not only LGBTQ people but also their family members who need to struggle with issues of visibility and create their own strategies for managing the ‘sticky’ stigma of same-sex sexuality.
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- 1.
The fact that most of these scholars are members of sexual minorities themselves explains, but does not excuse this.
- 2.
I consciously use ‘tolerance,’ as I believe that the situation described by these authors is not a true acceptance of non-heterosexual lifestyles.
- 3.
Vencel sums up their respective life strategies as follows: ‘Arnold’s slogan is “let there be peace and calm,” and mine is “let the truth win.” Even at the price that there is no peace and calm.’ Thus, Arnold can more readily find excuses for not being out, as we will see later in this chapter.
- 4.
At a discussion group, the teenage brother of a gay man said: ‘Lucky he said “I like guys,” because I wouldn’t have understood the term ‘gay’ [at the age of 12, in 2016]’ (author’s fieldnotes). This shows that gay/lesbian identity categories may be less widely known in some segments of the population than the fact of same-sex attraction.
- 5.
He said the term in English.
- 6.
‘mesélje el, vallja meg, élje meg azt, hogy meleg’. ‘Vallja meg’ might mean admit (to oneself or others) or confess (it is a strange word choice in Hungarian too).
- 7.
Csaba’s parents, Zsuzsi and Balázs confirm this interpretation.
- 8.
Market towns are large agricultural settlements, mostly on the Great Plains, formed in the Middle Ages when Turkish attacks made living in villages precarious.
- 9.
The fact that Lilla is a woman figures strongly in the reactions of her family, as well as in her assertion of her own value in contrast to their attitude.
- 10.
As we might recall, for Kati and Melinda the use of the term ‘wife’ is symbolic and signals the equal value of their relationship to heterosexual ones.
- 11.
Naturally, had Hilary been homophobic originally, she probably would not have gone to work for a human rights organization. Still, this environment provides reinforcement for her decision to accept her lesbian sister-in-law.
- 12.
There are one or two individual congregations and communities which informally welcome non-heterosexual members, as well as a Christian LGBTQ group.
- 13.
The religious leaders did not criticize the mother for keeping in touch with her heterosexual children, even though they are older.
- 14.
Though it must be added that many only came out after they had moved away from their parents; this was sometimes conscious, so being potentially disowned would affect their lives less.
- 15.
The interview took place on the occasion of one of Andrea’s visits to Budapest.
- 16.
Some siblings do recall that other children mocked them for having a gay sibling; these stories all took place in the capital.
- 17.
I do not wish to suggest that coming out was unknown before the transition (as, e.g., Essig 1999 does), only that there were no LGBTQ organizations and the subculture itself was less accessible, so isolated LGBTQ people felt less community pressure of any kind.
- 18.
These people are not necessarily the ones usually seen as disadvantaged. For instance, in Hungary and other postsocialist countries, university students (like Edmund) often depend financially on their parents, so losing them due to coming out affects their subsistence more seriously than that of working-class youth who have their own income.
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Béres-Deák, R. (2020). Visibility. In: Queer Families in Hungary . Palgrave Macmillan Studies in Family and Intimate Life. Palgrave Macmillan, Cham. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-030-16319-8_4
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