Skip to main content

Kiss and Makeup? Examining the Co-occurrence of Conflict and Sex

Archives of Sexual Behavior volume 49, pages 2883–2892 (2020)Cite this article

Abstract

Although conflict and sex frequently occur in relationships, little research has examined their interconnectedness. Some evidence suggests their co-occurrence can benefit relationships, whereas other evidence suggests the opposite. We sought to clarify such contrasting evidence by conducting a dyadic daily-diary study of 107 newlywed couples that included a 6-month follow-up assessment. Although conflict (operationalized as one partner doing something the other did not like) was unassociated with the likelihood of sex on a given day, it predicted a lower likelihood the following day. Moreover, despite the fact that sex co-occurring with (vs. occurring independent of) conflict was less enjoyable, it partially reduced the negative effects of conflict on both spouses’ daily relationship quality. The extent to which sex and conflict co-occurred was unassociated with intimates’ changes in marital satisfaction 6 months later. The implications of engaging in post-conflict sex are nuanced: although such sex is less enjoyable, it temporarily buffers relationship quality in that moment.

This is a preview of subscription content, access via your institution.

Access options

Buy single article

Instant access to the full article PDF.

USD 39.95

Price excludes VAT (USA)
Tax calculation will be finalised during checkout.

Fig. 1
Fig. 2

Notes

  1. Throughout, we use the term gender to refer to gender/sex differences. During study enrollment, marriage licenses were afforded to unions of a man and a woman, which likely reflects one’s sex assigned at birth. To avoid confusion with “sex” the action, we opt to use the term gender.

  2. Data are available upon request to the second author.

  3. We inadvertently omitted the question: “How satisfied were you with your relationship with your partner today?” from paper diaries. Thus, for the diaries completed on paper (n = 123 diaries), we averaged the two questions they answered (satisfaction with their partner and their marriage, α = .92).

  4. We report results using actor and partner reports of conflict in the SM section 5.

References

  • Basile, K. C. (2002). Prevalence of wife rape and other intimate partner sexual coercion in a nationally representative sample of women. Violence and Victims, 17(5), 511–524.

    Google Scholar 

  • Ben-Zeev, A. (2013). Why make-up sex and breakup sex are so good. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-the-name-love/201302/why-make-sex-and-breakup-sex-are-so-good.

  • Birnbaum, G. E., Mikulincer, M., & Austerlitz, M. (2013). A fiery conflict: Attachment orientations and the effects of relational conflict on sexual motivation. Personal Relationships, 20, 294–310.

    Google Scholar 

  • Birnbaum, G. E., Reis, H. T., Mikulincer, M., Gillath, O., & Orpaz, A. (2006). When sex is more than just sex: Attachment orientations, sexual experience, and relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 91, 929–943.

    Google Scholar 

  • Bradbury, T. N. (1998). The developmental course of marital dysfunction. New York: Cambridge University Press.

    Google Scholar 

  • Brotto, L. A. (2018). Better sex through mindfulness: How women can cultivate desire. Vancouver, BC: Greystone Books Ltd.

    Google Scholar 

  • Burleson, M. H., Trevathan, W. R., & Todd, M. (2007). In the mood for love or vice versa? Exploring the relations among sexual activity, physical affection, affect, and stress in the daily lives of mid-aged women. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 36, 357–368.

    Google Scholar 

  • Call, V., Sprecher, S., & Schwartz, P. (1995). The incidence and frequency of marital sex in a national sample. Journal of Marriage and Family, 57, 639–652.

    Google Scholar 

  • Campbell, L., Simpson, J. A., Boldry, J., & Kashy, D. A. (2005). Perceptions of conflict and support in romantic relationships: The role of attachment anxiety. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 88, 510–531.

    Google Scholar 

  • Canary, D. J., Cupach, W. R., & Messman, S. (1995). Relationship conflict: Conflict in parent-child, friendship, and romantic relationships. London: Sage Publications.

    Google Scholar 

  • Cantor, J. R., Zillmann, D., & Bryant, J. (1975). Enhancement of experienced sexual arousal in response to erotic stimuli through misattribution of unrelated residual excitation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 32, 69–75.

    Google Scholar 

  • Christopher, F. S., & Cate, R. M. (1985). Premarital sexual pathways and relationship development. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 2, 271–288.

    Google Scholar 

  • Coan, J. A., Schaefer, H. S., & Davidson, R. J. (2006). Lending a hand: Social regulation of the neural response to threat. Psychological Science, 17, 1032–1039.

    Google Scholar 

  • Debrot, A., Meuwly, N., Muise, A., Impett, E. A., & Schoebi, D. (2017). More than just sex: Affection mediates the association between sexual activity and well-being. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 43, 287–299.

    Google Scholar 

  • Debrot, A., Schoebi, D., Perrez, M., & Horn, A. B. (2013). Touch as an interpersonal emotion regulation process in couples’ daily lives: The mediating role of psychological intimacy. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 39, 1373–1385.

    Google Scholar 

  • Dewitte, M., van Lankveld, J., Vandenberghe, S., & Loeys, T. (2015). Sex in its daily relational context. Journal of Sexual Medicine, 12, 2436–2450.

    Google Scholar 

  • Diamond, L. M. (2013). Where’s the sex in relationship research? In R. S. Stewart (Ed.), Let’s talk about sex: Multidisciplinary discussions (pp. 46–66). Sydney, NS: Cape Breton University Press.

    Google Scholar 

  • Dutton, J. (2003). Redbook’s steamiest sex survey ever! Redbook, 200(192–193), 209–210.

    Google Scholar 

  • Dutton, D. G., & Aron, A. P. (1974). Some evidence for heightened sexual attraction under conditions of high anxiety. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 30, 510–517.

    Google Scholar 

  • Fallis, E. E., Rehman, U. S., Woody, E. Z., & Purdon, C. (2016). The longitudinal association of relationship satisfaction and sexual satisfaction in long-term relationships. Journal of Family Psychology, 30, 822–831.

    Google Scholar 

  • Ferreira, L. C., Fraenkel, P., Narciso, I., & Novo, R. (2015). Is committed desire intentional? A qualitative exploration of sexual desire and differentiation of self in couples. Family Process, 54, 308–326.

    Google Scholar 

  • Fincham, F. D., & Beach, S. R. H. (1999). Conflict in marriage: Implications for working with couples. Annual Review of Psychology, 50, 47–77.

    Google Scholar 

  • Finkel, E. J., Eastwick, P. W., & Reis, H. T. (2015). Best research practices in psychology: Illustrating epistemological and pragmatic considerations with the case of relationship science. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 108, 275–297.

    Google Scholar 

  • Fortenberry, J. D., Temkit, M. H., Tu, W., Graham, C. A., Katz, B. P., & Orr, D. P. (2005). Daily mood, partner support, sexual interest, and sexual activity among adolescent women. Health Psychology, 24, 252–257.

    Google Scholar 

  • Foster, C. A., Witcher, B. S., Campbell, W. K., & Green, J. D. (1998). Arousal and attraction: Evidence for automatic and controlled processes. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 74, 86–101.

    Google Scholar 

  • Frederick, D. A., Lever, J., Gillespie, B. J., & Garcia, J. R. (2017). What keeps passion alive? Sexual satisfaction is associated with sexual communication, mood setting, sexual variety, oral sex, orgasm, and sex frequency in a national US study. Journal of Sex Research, 54, 186–201.

    Google Scholar 

  • Funder, D. C. (1987). Errors and mistakes: Evaluating the accuracy of social judgment. Psychological Bulletin, 101, 75–90.

    Google Scholar 

  • Greenblat, C. S. (1983). The salience of sexuality in the early years of marriage. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 45, 289–299.

    Google Scholar 

  • Guerrero, L. K., & Floyd, K. (2006). Nonverbal communication in close relationships. New York: Routledge.

    Google Scholar 

  • Hudson, W. W., Harrison, D. F., & Crosscup, P. C. (1981). A short-form scale to measure sexual discord in dyadic relationships. Journal of Sex Research, 17, 157–174.

    Google Scholar 

  • Impett, E. A., & Peplau, L. A. (2003). Sexual compliance: Gender, motivational, and relationship perspectives. Journal of Sex Research, 40(1), 87–100.

    Google Scholar 

  • Jacobson, N. S., & Moore, D. (1981). Spouses as observers of the events in their relationship. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 49, 269–277.

    Google Scholar 

  • Jakubiak, B. K., & Feeney, B. C. (2017). Affectionate touch to promote relational, psychological, and physical well-being in adulthood: A theoretical model and review of the research. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 21, 228–252.

    Google Scholar 

  • Karney, B. R., & Bradbury, T. N. (1995). Assessing longitudinal change in marriage: An introduction to the analysis of growth curves. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 57, 1091–1108.

    Google Scholar 

  • Karney, B. R., Kreitz, M. A., & Sweeney, K. E. (2004). Obstacles to ethnic diversity in marital research: On the failure of good intentions. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 21, 509–526.

    Google Scholar 

  • Kashdan, T. B., Goodman, F. R., Stiksma, M., Milius, C. R., & Mcknight, P. E. (2017). Sexuality leads to boosts in mood and meaning in life with no evidence for the reverse direction: A daily diary investigation. Emotion, 18, 563–576.

    Google Scholar 

  • Katz, J., & Tirone, V. (2010). Going along with it: Sexually coercive partner behavior predicts dating women’s compliance with unwanted sex. Violence Against Women, 16(7), 730–742.

    Google Scholar 

  • Kelley, H. H., & Thibaut, J. W. (1978). Interpersonal relations. A theory of interdependence. New York: Wiley.

    Google Scholar 

  • Kenny, D. A., Kashy, D. A., & Cook, W. L. (2006). The analysis of dyadic data. New York: Guilford.

    Google Scholar 

  • Kim, J., Muise, A., & Impett, E. A. (2018). The relationship implications of rejecting a partner for sex kindly versus having sex reluctantly. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 35, 485–508.

    Google Scholar 

  • Kleinplatz, P. J., & Ménard, A. D. (2007). Building blocks toward optimal sexuality: Constructing a conceptual model. The Family Journal, 15, 72–78.

    Google Scholar 

  • Kluwer, E. S., & Johnson, M. D. (2007). Conflict frequency and relationship quality across the transition to parenthood. Journal of Marriage and Family, 69, 1089–1106.

    Google Scholar 

  • Kreider, R. M., & Ellis, R. (2011). Number, timing, and duration of marriages and divorces: 2009. U.S. Census Bureau. Retrieved from: https://www.census.gov/prod/2011pubs/p70-125.pdf.

  • Laurenceau, J.-P., & Bolger, N. (2012). Analyzing diary and intensive longitudinal data from dyads. In M. R. Mehl & T. S. Conner (Eds.), Handbook of research methods for studying daily life (pp. 407–422). New York: Guilford Press.

    Google Scholar 

  • Maxwell, J. A., & McNulty, J. K. (2019). No longer in a dry spell: The developing understanding of how sex influences romantic relationships. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 28, 102–107.

    Google Scholar 

  • Maxwell, J. A., Muise, A., MacDonald, G., Day, L. C., Rosen, N. O., & Impett, E. A. (2017). How implicit theories of sexuality shape sexual and relationship well-being. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 112, 238–279.

    Google Scholar 

  • McGonagle, K. A., Kessler, R. C., & Gotlib, I. H. (1993). The effects of marital disagreement style, frequency, and outcome on marital disruption. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 10, 385–404.

    Google Scholar 

  • McNulty, J. K., Meltzer, A. L., Makhanova, A., & Maner, J. K. (2018). Attentional and evaluative biases help people maintain relationships by avoiding infidelity. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 115, 76–95.

    Google Scholar 

  • McNulty, J. K., Wenner, C. A., & Fisher, T. D. (2016). Longitudinal associations among relationship satisfaction, sexual satisfaction, and frequency of sex in early marriage. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 45, 85–97.

    Google Scholar 

  • Meltzer, A. L. (2017). Wives with masculine husbands report increased marital satisfaction near peak fertility. Evolutionary Behavioral Sciences, 11(2), 161–172. https://doi.org/10.1037/ebs0000083.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Meltzer, A. L., Makhanova, A., Hicks, L. L., French, J. E., McNulty, J. K., & Bradbury, T. N. (2017). Quantifying the sexual afterglow: The lingering benefits of sex and their implications for pair-bonded relationships. Psychological Science, 28, 587–598.

    Google Scholar 

  • Ménard, A. D., & Kleinplatz, P. J. (2008). Twenty-one moves guaranteed to make his thighs go up in flames: Depictions of “great sex” in popular magazines. Sexuality and Culture, 12, 1–20.

    Google Scholar 

  • Meston, C. M., & Frohlich, P. F. (2003). Love at first fright: Partner salience moderates roller-coaster-induced excitation transfer. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 32, 537–544.

    Google Scholar 

  • Metz, M. E., & Epstein, N. (2002). Assessing the role of relationship conflict in sexual dysfunction. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 28, 139–164.

    Google Scholar 

  • Muise, A., Impett, E. A., & Desmarais, S. (2013). Getting it on versus getting it over with: Sexual motivation, desire, and satisfaction in intimate bonds. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 39, 1320–1332.

    Google Scholar 

  • Muise, A., Maxwell, J. A., & Impett, E. A. (2018). What theories and methods from relationship research can contribute to sex research. Journal of Sex Research, 55, 540–562.

    Google Scholar 

  • Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., & Pinkus, R. T. (2010). A smart unconscious? Procedural origins of automatic partner attitudes in marriage. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 46, 650–656.

    Google Scholar 

  • Norton, R. (1983). Measuring marital quality: A critical look at the dependent variable. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 45, 141–151.

    Google Scholar 

  • Osgood, C. E., Suci, G. J., & Tannenbaum, P. H. (1957). The measurement of meaning. Urbana: University of Illinois Press.

    Google Scholar 

  • Overall, N. C., & McNulty, J. K. (2017). What type of communication during conflict is beneficial for intimate relationships? Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 1–5.

    Google Scholar 

  • Peterson, D. R. (1989). Interpersonal goal conflict. In L. A. Pervin (Ed.), Goal concepts in personality and social psychology (pp. 327–362). Hillsdale, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.

    Google Scholar 

  • Prager, K. J., Shirvani, F., Poucher, J., Cavallin, G., Truong, M., & Garcia, J. J. (2015). Recovery from conflict and revival of intimacy in cohabiting couples. Personal Relationships, 22, 308–334.

    Google Scholar 

  • Reynolds, T., & Meltzer, A. L. (2017). Adopting a dyadic perspective to better understand the association between physical attractiveness and dieting motivations and behaviors. Body Image, 22, 48–52.

    Google Scholar 

  • Robinson, K. J., Hoplock, L. B., & Cameron, J. J. (2015). When in doubt, reach out: Touch is a covert but effective mode of soliciting and providing social support. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 6, 831–839.

    Google Scholar 

  • Robles, T. F., & Kiecolt-Glaser, J. K. (2003). The physiology of marriage: Pathways to health. Physiology and Behavior, 79, 409–416.

    Google Scholar 

  • Schumm, W. R., Paff-Bergen, L. A., Hatch, R. C., Obiorah, F. C., Copeland, J. M., Meens, L. D., & Bugaighis, M. A. (1986). Concurrent and discriminant validity of the Kansas Marital Satisfaction Scale. Journal of Marriage and Family, 48, 381–387.

    Google Scholar 

  • Smith, S. G., Zhang, X., Basile, K. C., Merrick, M. T., Wang, J., Kresnow, M., & Chen, J. (2018). The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS): 2015 Data Brief—Updated Release. Atlanta, GA: National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

  • White, G. L., Fishbein, S., & Rutsein, J. (1981). Passionate love and the misattribution of arousal. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 41, 56–62.

    Google Scholar 

  • Zillmann, D. (1971). Excitation transfer in communication-mediated aggressive behavior. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 7, 419–434.

    Google Scholar 

  • Zillmann, D. (1983). Transfer of excitation in emotional behavior. In J. T. Cacioppo & R. E. Petty (Eds.), Social psychophysiology: A sourcebook (pp. 215–240). New York: Guilford Press.

    Google Scholar 

Download references

Funding

This study was funded by a Social Sciences and Humanities Research Council of Canada Postdoctoral fellowship awarded to the first author.

Author information

Authors and Affiliations

  1. School of Psychology, University of Auckland, 23 Symonds Street, Auckland, 1010, New Zealand

    Jessica A. Maxwell

  2. Department of Psychology, Florida State University, Tallahassee, FL, USA

    Andrea L. Meltzer

Authors
  1. Jessica A. Maxwell
    View author publications

    You can also search for this author in PubMed Google Scholar

  2. Andrea L. Meltzer
    View author publications

    You can also search for this author in PubMed Google Scholar

Contributions

Andrea L. Meltzer designed the broader study, prepared materials and collected the data. Jessica A. Maxwell formulated hypotheses, performed data analyses, and drafted the manuscript. Both authors commented on previous versions of the manuscript. Both authors read and approved the final manuscript.

Corresponding author

Correspondence to Jessica A. Maxwell.

Ethics declarations

Conflict of interest

The authors declare that they have no conflict of interest.

Ethics approval

This study was performed in line with the principles of the Declaration of Helsinki. Approval was granted by the Ethics Committee of Southern Methodist University.

Consent to participate

Informed consent was obtained from all individual participants included in the study.

Consent to publish

Not applicable.

Data and/or code availability

Data to reproduce the results are available upon email request to Andrea L. Meltzer (meltzer@psy.fsu.edu). Code is available in the supplemental materials.

Additional information

Publisher's Note

Springer Nature remains neutral with regard to jurisdictional claims in published maps and institutional affiliations.

Electronic supplementary material

Below is the link to the electronic supplementary material.

Supplementary material 1 (DOCX 7668 kb)

Rights and permissions

Reprints and Permissions

About this article

Verify currency and authenticity via CrossMark

Cite this article

Maxwell, J.A., Meltzer, A.L. Kiss and Makeup? Examining the Co-occurrence of Conflict and Sex. Arch Sex Behav 49, 2883–2892 (2020). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-020-01779-8

Download citation

  • Received:

  • Revised:

  • Accepted:

  • Published:

  • Issue Date:

  • DOI: https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-020-01779-8

Keywords

  • Sex
  • Conflict
  • Makeup sex
  • Marriage
  • Daily diary